Shut up at the back. I dont want to hear any protests. Please spare me from Awww, Booger! Dont be so cruel. Ive decided I have a beef with mans best friend, specifically the ones Ive owned, and Im going to share with it you. Dogs have been getting it easy for years and I think its time they were shamed. So there.
<*dv_0*> Take the first dog I ever met. Kojak was my parents pet, and he was around long before I ever came kicking and screaming into the world. When I finally did show up, Kojak was obviously put out that this whining poo machine was taking everyones attention away from him. To this end, he passed the first four years of my life trying to bite me. After that got boring he decided scaring my friends and eating my birthday cakes was much more fun. As a pet he was loyal to a fault; but did that hound have a chip on his shoulder or what?
<*dv_2*> Soon after Kojak chased his last stick, we got Eddie. Eddie was a Labrador with all the grace and poise of Emile Heskey on the edge of the six-yard box. Eddie also drooled excessively when excited and humped anything with four legs and a tail. Picture the faces on the old dears in the park when this rabid, clumsy sex machine mounted Fifi and enthusiastically pounded away (grinning the whole time). Add to this the fact that Eddie had a head that was harder than concrete; when you went to pull him away from the petrified poodle hed knock you over quicker and cleaner than Roy Keane on a bad day. Please excuse all the football analogies, Eddie used to enjoy bursting all the footballs I owned so I always make the link.
Why on earth we decided to pair this beast with a rescue dog Ill never know. But as Eddie got older, we decided to adopt a rescue dog and along came Gumbo. Gumbo is a feisty mutt with tons of energy; he is also gayer than a shopping trip with Graham Norton and Will Young. What happens when you put an old horn dog together with a gay young pup? Thats right, Gumbo became Eddies bitch. It was like watching a bad prison movie. What was worse was the way they both seemed to enjoy it, grinning away the whole time during their canine coupling.
Eddie shuffled off to chase cars in doggie heaven a few years back, and were now down to Gumbo on his own. Big girlie Gumbo. Gumbo who gets beaten up by cats (honest to God), Gumbo who shits himself at the first sign of rain, Gumbo who goes apoplectic on Bonfire Night. Gumbo who gets so freaked out if hes left on his own, even for an hour, that he hides behind the sofa; only to come out barking his head off whenever people return. Which would be fine if my dad didnt work nights and come home at gone midnight every night. Does Gumbo give a shit if Im trying to sleep? Does he bollocks, the little bastard.
<*dv_1*> Am I being too specific with my examples? Fine, how about these? Dogs stink all the time. Their breath smells after eating (but they still lick your face), and they smell all over after swimming. Dogs dump a load out and you the owner has to clear up after them. Dogs eat any item of food that isnt locked away and then look miserable when they get caught. Dogs do stupid things all the time. They get lost, they knock stuff over, they get hit by cars and fall off things. In fact, I reckon theyre only our best friends because theyre too dumb to look after themselves.
<*dv_3*> Submitted by Booger
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