<*dv_1*>My home is in an ideal location. It's a couple of miles away from a buzzing city centre, which is close enough to enjoy and yet far enough away to enable me to escape from the traffic and pollution. I live in a small quaint village were all the locals will stare and point at you if you're not recognised (I assume that's why they do it). A place where the music stops and heads turn when you enter any of the public houses (I don't think we're talking inbreading, although I could be wrong). Despite being so close to a city centre, this little village has a country feel to it. It's lanes are leafy and clean, the pace of lifestyle seems relaxed and slow. Every garden, and I do mean every garden, blooms in spring with neighbours competing to present their fuschias as the best in the village.
I felt that I too could have a bit of the countryside in my garden, and I swiftly set about creating this picture of loveliness for myself. This gardening lark was certainly a change from my normal routine of drunkenness and debauchery, and I found it extremely therapeutic.
<*dv_0*> Whilst sitting in the serenity of my garden hearing the birds and the gentle breeze passing though the many plants and shrubs I now had planted, I suddenly caught site of two robins each with a piece of bread in it's beak. THEN IT STRUCK ME!! That's what I wanted! A bird table! I wanted to invite all these small birds into my garden, to provide them with nuts and seeds during winter when the land was barren, and during the spring & summer when they were just too damn lazy to pick them off the bushes themselves.
I saw this as introducing a little bit of the natural world into my life. Excitedly, I rushed out and bought a bird table and various nuts and seeds and little balls full of something that birds were supposed to like. I got home and put up the table And waited... And waited... No birds came.
<*dv_3*> Suddenly outside I heard the flapping of wings. I ran to my window so that I could see the cute little robins and sparrows and suchlike munching away on all the goodies that I had lovingly provided for them only to see two dirty great bastard pigeons trying desperately to squeeze onto my bird table!
<*dv_2*> Why do I get the pigeons?? I just don't understand it! Is it so obvious that not only can the locals spot an outsider from 100 paces but so can the birds? Did the pigeons track me down and put a tail on me?
I hate pigeons! I mean, they're not an attractive animal, they're not particularly friendly (like ducks or something), they don't contribute to society in any way. They don't even pay council tax. They just clutter up city centres, hassle you for food, and poo on park benches so that no one will ever be able to sit on them. And now the little shits have invaded my little piece of countryside.
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