I read somewhere that rats will produce litters of up to 12, every 3 months, and that they can become sexually receptive at the age of 12 weeks. Knowing this you can imagine my horror when I saw, what looked at first like a big Guinea pig, running from my shed, down my path and then under the bush in my back garden. It was twilight and I couldn't quite make out what it was at first, but the next day left me in no doubt. The bloody great 'plague infested, thing was a rat. I calculated ,being a bit of maths whizz, that if left to it's own devices my garden could be full of the little bastards quicker than a very, very quick thing.
I decided ,being an animal lover, and to my kids delight, that I would try and catch this monster, and release it in to the wild. I had heard horror stories of rat poison, which makes the poor devil thirsty, and then drinks itself to death, blowing it's innards out. Anyway I wasn't going to let this happen and I didn't want to have to fork out for an exterminator.
<*dv_1*> I set about this project with guile and, what I thought, intelligence. I decided to befriend this creature, make it a part of the furniture, make it feel safe and at ease, where upon I would pounce and achieve my goal. I started by leaving food out for it, just little nibblets of corn. I left these quite near to my door so that the rat would have to come in close. I did this over a period of days, and low and behold the rat came and the rat ate. It was working the rat seemed happy, and full, and my plan was unfolding nicely. Next, I set out my old Guinea pigs cage in the same spot, the cages door had hinges across the top so I propped it up with a sturdy stick, and laden the inside with my new friend's favorite food, corn. It took a little time for the rat to get used to his new scenery, but in the end the call of the food was just too much for the poor blighter. That's it, I thought, you are mine for the taking. I tied a piece of string to the stick that was propping u p the door and ran it to the window of my house. I once again laden the cage with corn and waited, with my whole excited family, behind the curtain. Now lets get this clear, I had spent over a week of my time planning this and luring this creature, in fact I had spent my whole week away from work getting ready for this very moment, this took up all of my time and thoughts. The rat came, twitched it's pointy little nose and went inside, I yanked on the string, the stick came flying with it, and the cage door slammed shut on the rodent. Success was mine, it had all been worth it, my success was short lived however, the rat, without any sense of urgency, lifted the cage door with it's big hairy nose and squeezed itself out, and disappeared under the bush.
<*dv_0*> I was, as you can imagine, distraught, in the end I had to call out an exterminator, which cost me 90 and had to watch this bloody rat night after night at my door waiting for his favorite snack from his favorite buddy......ME.
<*dv_2*> I hate rats, I hope they all eat poison and their innards blow out.
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