'Churn' 'gurgle' 'bloat'. These are a few of the many noises/actions my tum creates on a daily basis.
Partly due to hereditary weaknesses. Partly due to over eating. And partly due to eating badly in general because of long hours and the unlikely chance of moving away from my desk. These factors have all contributed to a gut that is as irritable as bear that's been woken up halfway through hibernation. So, instead of just carrying on with my Gaviscon swigging and 45 degree sleeping position, I decided to get to the bottom of the cause.
<*dv_0*> Ie, what is it exactly that I shove in my cavernous gob, that just lurves to ignite my stomach acid! So one mooch around the local health food shop later and the possible answer to the above question made it self known! A food allergy test!!!
45 notes later and a questionnaire about my eating habits and symptoms, I'm told to return at the weekend. This I duly do and I meet the lovely Louisa. I'd say late fifties. You could see she was definitely a sparkler when gravity and time was on her side but she was definitely practising what she preaches as to give the reaper a bit of exercise. She gave me a little spiel about the test and assured me that although it was accurate - cue memorable mantra - "If in doubt, leave it out!".
<*dv_1*> I take a reccy of the table and notice there are three trays, filled with tiny phials of clear liquid. All labelled with various foods. These, I'm assured, are the very essences of the foods as specially prepared by a Homeopath. Then I spot a little box with some dials on it - for fucks sake! What is it with me and '*little boxes with dials'? There were various sized holes on this box, presumably to accommodate the phials. The test then begins. She asks me to hold a cylinder (*Arrghhh!) and this I do without feeling the need to verbally abuse her! After all, there can be no funny stuff when I am surrounded by carob munching emaciated vegans who are doing their weekly shop and perusing the various vitamins they are lacking.
She then 'attunes' the machine to moi! I'm like Neo jacking into the holistic 'Matrix'. She grabs my left index finger and sticks this wand thing into it. Blunt ended like a biro so theres no blood letting. The 'box' makes a giger counter noise, she wears the look of someone that understands what it is 'saying'. If thats the case, I daresay she could get a lot more out of Jimmy Pages theremin playing on 'Whole Lotta Love' than me! - Bet it was saying "This will cover up my humdrum blues playing" as opposed to "Worship Beelzebub".
She sets about adjusting the dial. Stopping. Sticking it into my finger again. Adjusting some more and then we are ready to begin! She then starts grabbing the phials, whacking them in a hole in the box then stabbing me with wand to see if I am indeed intolerant. Sure enough, after the first 20 phials I begin to recognise the wails and groans. "Ooh! I'm not too keen on that, am I?" I start talking about myself a' la 'The Rock' third person context! We make small talk and it appears thats she been there, done it and got the T-shirt. She is South African and was once a house building supervisor in South Africa because 'the lazy blacks needed constant supervision" Her words! Something told me that she probably wasn't a great fan of apartheid! The chat moves off the white supremacy flavour and onto digestion.
That's it. 120 bottles later and there are a couple of phials upturned as to isolate them as the intestinal terrorists that have waged a jihad on my peace loving intestinal tract. Here's what I can't eat anymore, or rather, what would be really foolish and masochistic to carry on eating!
Wheat - That's all bread! Naan, chapatis, croissant, cakes, biccies, pasta. The list is endless.
Rice - Speaks for itself really!
Tomatoes - The quintessential ingredient to a sarnie or salad. The prostate cancer deterring noble fruit.
Aubergines - Yeah! Like I bloody eat them on a daily basis!
Potatoes - Nooooo! Don't take away my staples!!
Yeast - 'Owt with yeast in it and believe me, there're a lot of products you would not think have yeast in!
Sugar - No more bleached mass produced granules. Fructose sugar or honey from now on! Not a bad thing I suppose.
Chocolate - The bastard! At one point I caned five Drifters in a day and blamed my heartburn on a apple, which, funnily enough..
Apples - Tosser! Looking all innocent but essentially a acid reflux hand grenade!
Bananas - Who'd have thought eh? Me and my mate, no lie, consume 5kgs a week between us!
Corn - Now this is bad! I exist on cornflakes! I even wrote a poem about it and all along those golden flakes of corn have been screwing up my insides for donkeys! I managed 6 bowls in one day once. Did I suffer...
I'm also a bit dodgy with Aspartame & Monosodium Glutamate (Which is found in every fucking piece of processed food you can buy!!!)
I take my little diagnosis and have a butchers around the shop. Fuck. I am now destined for a life of paying 2.50 to look at Terence Stamps grinning skull like face on his own brand 'wheat free, gluten free, taste free' 'bread'. A world without bread is quite a challenging thought. In fact, a life without the above ingredients is going to be really hard but I suppose I must be grateful that I now know. In a few months time I will feel healthier.
And even moreso, when I finally pluck the courage to use my latest Ebay purchase, a Colonic Irrigation kit, without the fear of leaking liquid shite all over the bathroom floor before I can make it to the throne.
Ho-hum. The price we pay for good health, eh?
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