"HSBC Customer Service Desk, how may I help you?"
| | Bastard Banks | Being a woman of darker pigmented skin means I can get away with more than most. I dont mean owning a spliff the size of a roll of double quilted kitchen towel, or wearing dreadlocks, I mean things such as I can complain about someone else of darker pigmented skin and not look a racist, or I can say the word nigger without anyone looking at me and gasping. One of my grandmothers says the N word in a regular basis as a term of endearment to her grandchildren, mind you she also is a complete bitch to everyone else so maybe she isnt the best example. Anyway, the point Im trying to make that as a darkie I have no chip on my shoulder and any derogatory remarks I make are merely as a result of professional criticism and not a racist thing. I dont care what colour you are, as long as youre a decent person youre my mate.
Ok, so intro out the way, I can now whinge about the real reason Im here.
Theres a story that was flying about some years ago about a guy who changed his name to Yorkshire Bank Plc Are Fascist Bastards. I think I know how he feels.
I know most banks are pretty shite these days, but HSBC is a complete and utter arse. They used to be the Midland Bank, the Listening Bank, but now they have been taken over by the Honk Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation and they have developed tinnitus. I presume the ringing noises they hear (a usual symptom of tinnitus) is actually the deafening sound of cash pouring in from long suffering mugs like me.
I hate calling my bank because I usually get put through to some remote town in India, the call going something like this:
HSBC India Hello Miss Leal, my name is Dejanira, how may I help you today?
ME Hello. I have an overdraft of 300 and Id like to find out if I can get a temporary extension of an extra 200
HSBC India Yes that is fine thank you Miss Leal, please hold on a moment while I check your account. I am very sorry for any delay I am putting you through Miss Leal.
<*dv_1*> ME Thats fine
*waits for 5 minutes*
HSBC India You have an overdraft of 300. Miss Leal. Is there anything else I can help you with?
ME Er yes, I would like to know if I can get an overdraft extension of 200 on top of that 300 please.
HSBC India Ok Miss Leal, I will just go and find that out for you, I am sorry for the delay but I will be as quick as I can.
<*dv_0*> Me Ok.
*waits for 5 minutes*
HSBC India Thank you for waiting Miss Leal and once again may I apologise for the wait. You have an overdraft facility of 300.
ME *getting irate* Yes I know that, I want to know if I can get it extended by 200, I know my overdraft limit is 300 I just told you myself at the beginning of the call.
HSBC India I will just check that for you Miss Leal, please hold on a little longer if that is ok with you?
ME *sigh* Yes.
*waits for 5 minutes*
HSBC India Miss Leal I have checked with your account and I can see that you have an overdaft facility of 300, that is the only information we have.
ME Look, can you put me through to someone else?
HSBC India Im afraid I do not understand your request, would you like me to put you through to someone else?
ME YES PLEASE!
HSBC India Can you tell me the name of your local branch please?
Me Reading, Berkshire
HSBC India Can you spell that for me please?
ME R.E.ADING
HSBC India OK , Miss Leal I have E..A..P..IMT
ME Oh crap. No, R for Reject.E for EedjitA for ArseholeD for DoughnutI for InbredN for NobheadG for Good grief. That spells READING.
HSBC India Thank you Miss Leal, I will try your branch in the Isle of Man for you now. . They are busy but I have put a note for them to call you when someone is free. Can I help you with anything else Miss Leal?
ME Please leave me alone now, I have a headache
HSBC India I will put that on the message for your local branch in Isle of Man, thank you for calling HSBC, your local bank in Darjeeling, you have a nice day.
So, that all done do I get called back by my local branch that day? Noooo you silly. Maybe that week? Stupid me of course not, well, maybe that month? Get real girlie. If I'm lucky I'll get a call back from someone at the bank, sometime this year, who was actually intending to call for a pizza and dialled my number instead by accident.
Trying to get anything done by even the England HSBC team these days is a complete farce.
<*dv_2*> HSBC Hi, this is Jeremy from HSBC in Dartford can we have three large deep pans with a stuffed crust and.?
Me Oh hi, thanks for calling back, I contacted the bank to ask if I could have an extra 200 overdraft on top of my usual overdraft for a few months. I hope it to be only temporary.
HSBC That doesnt sound a problem, well just quickly run through our handy checklist of 350 quick questions that will give us the info required to fulfil your request. Firstly, what is your blood type?
And so on and so on until they get to the end and know more personal things about me than my gynaecologist. Then they say they will call me back with the answer later that day and hope that my grandmothers sciatica gets better soon.
Jeremy sounded positive so I go through your day thinking that things will be fine, planning how my life will be transformed by the Worlds Local Bank that spends bajillions of pounds on advertising and seems more prevalent in more countries than Starbucks.
Then the call back eventually comes through.
HSBC Im sorry, weve gone though our sophisticated scoring system (*puts his hand over the mouth piece* Janice put the bowl of names on bits of paper back the drawer will you? Thanks.) and unfortunately because you are a small business and not someone we could show off as a squillion pound asset to HSBC we cannot give you the overdraft. Yes I know your house will be repossessed and your grandmother cannot have the new kidney youve been bidding for on eBay, but maybe if you try next month we can find out even more personal information about you, waste a good hour of your valuable time and then gleefully tell you that you couldnt even get a free pen off us. We do have a leaflet called The Best Park Benches When Your Home Has Been Repossessed we can send you. Sorry what was your name again?
The only people the Worlds Local Bank works for isnt the locals, its the Jeremys on this planet. What do you want to bet me that even Dejanira in Darjeeling is getting screwed over and being paid 12p a day for her job in a town that should just stick to picking very nice tea?
Sod the banks, Im going back to putting my moolah under the mattress, I can access it anytime, dont get in to trouble with overdrafts and the personal stuff it knows about me doesnt get repeated at the staff Christmas Party. Now thats a local bank I can do business with.
Piece submitted by Alicia
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