<*dv_0*>Why is it that despite having had my fair share of decent looking straight blokes, when it comes to lesbians, only the butch ones fancy me? It never ceases to amaze me to be honest. I mean, ok so I do have short cropped hair and I do own a pair of clompy black bike boots (without so much as a whiff of a moped to justify 'em) and ok, yes I am a bit bolshy sometimes, but come on, surely there must be girly lesbians out there whod give me a second look? How do you get into the femme crowd?
Dont get me wrong, to all intents and purposes Im straight. I like blokes.errrr, actually I LOVE men, as my mates will testify to. However, having recently been to a gay club with my previously married with three kids and now a lesbian mate, I found myself critically eyeing the talent on the dancefloor with suspiciously growing enthusiasm. Obviously the first thought that crossed my mind was that some of her lesbo vibes had simply rubbed off and Id be back to Ms. Straight in the morning. I was wrong! It would appear that in my alter egos heart of hearts I no longer top 5ft 2 and weigh a respectable girly weight. Instead Im a big butch dyke, all sleeveless black tee shirts and comfort fit Wranglers!
Lesbians, femme and butch alike seem to pick up on this and the femmes simply ignore, while the butch ones corner me in sweaty doorless toilets! Ive learnt from experience not to drink large quantities of beer in gay clubs wither. One pint too many and Im snogging the face of some boyish lesbian with a wholly uninspiringly androgynous name like Jo or Sam! So whats to do? I dont want my own lesbian to take home to mother, I much prefer guys but every now and again it might be nice to have a good looking one notice me. In the meantime, back to wall, coke in hand I view my occasional jaunt into gay clubs as a learning experience. So far Ive learnt that in order to attract a pretty lesbian you need a few specific attributes. One, you must be really butt ugly, preferably with a bad haircut, one that suggests you know a navy barber intimately is always popular. Two, under no circumstances should you wear clothes which flatter your figure or indeed, hide your biceps and/or tattoos. And finally you should ideally drink pints, chain smoke Royals and play pool (all of which Ive tried but was crap at so gave up!). Ohh, and to bag yourself a REAL looker, dont shave your pits and wear dockers boots and a donkey jacket. Remember, as a butch, your watchword should be tasteless at all times.
So here I find my self, stuck in lesbian no-mans land (scuse the pun), not quite butch enough to attract pretty lesbians, not quite pretty enough to attract the cream of the butch set. (A girl can never have too much help with oil changes and shelf erection you know!). My lesbian pal laughs when I complain, saying Im straight anyway and why do I care. Well the truth of it is that we all wanna be loved dont we.
Where ever we go, the need to have people like us is never far away. Thus, my need to be liked finds me knee deep in women that the average bouncer would think twice about upsetting..every time I wander into that damn gay club. Alas however, I remain a virgin to the secret delights of a dead gorgeous bird who happens to like the odd quaff from the furry cup! Never have I felt so miffed about having something I dont really want or need in my life except for that time in the shoe sales at Patrick Cox. Oh Christ, does that mean Im a lesbian wannabe!
Piece submitted by Sarah Martin
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