I hooked up with Daniel Beddingfield the other day. Me and Bedders go back a way; he asked me for a bit of career advice when he was first starting out. I suggested he record an entire album on his Atari in his bedroom. He said that was the funniest thing hed ever heard. We were both in on the joke; we werent to know that the nations pre-teens would buy it hook, line and sinker. All of a sudden I found Dan was huge and I found myself advising him on his every career move. Do a video where you drive a big car like a twat and the public will love it. He did and they did. He asked me about maybe pursuing a new sound. I suggested he try limp, washed out rock music. Boom! Another top-20 smash. Around the time he really started to take off, I got involved with Blazin Squad (matching parkas, MY IDEA!) and we drifted apart. That was until the other day, when my mobile rang and Bedders was on the line.
Booger, Ive got some great ideas for my new video. I want to run them past you.
No worries Bedders, I replied. But youre buying the beers.
He agreed, and half an hour later we were sat in a pub beer garden near Thorpe Park and a gravel pit. Our conversation was punctuated by the sounds of diesel kids and screaming lorries. Or maybe thats the other way round.
<*dv_2*> I asked Dan what the new song was about. He stroked his out-of-date goatee, shrugged his girls shoulders and told me it was called Friday and was about his girlfriend coming home.
Is that on a Friday by any chance? I asked.
See, thats what I LOVE about you Booger, he replied. Everyone at the record label completely missed that point.
He went on to explain that the video was all about how he went REALLY MAD without his girlfriend there. He said he was going to SMASH UP his entire flat and GLARE at the camera. There was going to be GREEN FILTERS that made him look like The Hulk. The song was more of that weak, off-white rock music that he seemed to love so much. Dan was so excited he was bouncing up and down and spilling beer. I decided Id gone too far and had to stop this. I took a long gulp of my pint and lit a cigarette.
Dan, I said. All this career advice Ive been giving you, Ive just been trying to make you look stupid.
<*dv_0*> His smile faltered, he tried a laugh but that died too. Dont be silly Booger. You come up with some great ideas.
I shook my head. No I dont, Bedders. Honest, Im trying to make people hate you.
Butbut how? Look at what youve done so far. My Casio-inspired songs, Gareths stutter, Will Young winning Pop Idol, Blazin Squad having ten members. What about your idea to put the two limpest men in Britain in Liberty X? Or the one about putting the three biggest sluts in the world in Atomic Kitten? Youve done all this Booger, youve come up with all these great ideas.
Bedders, mate, I said. Surely you must realise that Im trying to kill pop music. Im trying to make the whole country hate all of you. Its just worked out that my childish ideas really appeal to the shallow, insipid children of today. I mean, surely you didnt think that renaming S Club Juniors S Club 8 was a serious idea?
He looked at the floor and mumbled something.
<*dv_1*> What was that?
<*dv_3*> He looked at me and said quietly: Seemed like a great idea to me.
I decided to take pity. Look, Dan. Dont do the video. Ditch the song and go back to the crappy dance music stuff. That had a bit of charm, kind of like a three-legged puppy. Im sorry I ever got you started on this and Id like to keep you out of the charts so you avoid any further embarrassment. Ive got big plans coming up. Im working with that new boyband Phixx. Their new video will have then looking really edgy while some minx tortures them. The fact that theyre about as edgy as a circle only makes it more hysterical. Im also gonna get Robbie Williams to shag Darius up the bum while that Alex off Fame Academy watches and rubs one out. Itll be live on CD:UK. Its gonna be huge and will hopefully ruin pop music forever. You dont want to be there when that goes down. Get out, go open a bar in Spain or something.
He mumbled something again.
I leapt up and slapped him across the chops. Stop mumbling dammit, you little bitch. Im trying to help you!
Tears stood out in his eyes as he whispered: Maybe Id like to help Alex from Fame Academy rub one out
I shrugged. You cant, you pillock, shes a lezzer. Go on then, Dan. Do the video. Do the stupid, childish video where you pretend to smash your flat up and try to look mean. Put the green filters on to make you look like The Hulk. Glare at the camera and try and look hard. I guarantee that everyone over the age of 12 will laugh their arses off. All Im trying to do is help you out. One day youll be back in the real world. With my help you might just be able to avoid getting bullied at whatever dull job you end up in.
Bedders bottom lip started wobbling. He got up and left without a word. I thought Id got through to him, until I recently saw that Friday was the third most requested song on The Box music channel. Last week it received 344,876 plays. I didnt get through to him at all. He went with the kiddie vote after all. Oh well, looks like Daniel Beddingfield is beyond saving. The ungrateful bastard. It seems Im now free to concentrate on my ideas for the CD:UK Christmas special after all.
I know Ive got Dariuss number around here somewhere
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