Faceparty: Never Talk to Strangers

<*dv_3*>What is Faceparty? Touting itself as 'the most advanced online community in the world', this site offers the chance to chat to randoms all over the world. Sign up is free. They're not picky. They'll take anyone. That's all part of its charm. Create your profile, upload some pictures and you're away.

Faceparty's tagline: 'Make friends, get laid, get addicted' now elicits a hollow, sarcastic laugh from me. (You should hear it, I do it well.) Faceparty is evil. This is the first thing I must impress upon you. Do not be fooled by it's friendly and fuzzy appearance. It's a stinking mire of human depravity, and worse, mediocrity. It's revolting. Don't believe the claim it isn't a dating site... it is: there are men, there are women... they message each other. They meet. They exchange bodily fluids. It's a dating site. 

<*dv_2*> They're right about one thing though: it is addictive. There is something weirdly compulsive about checking your messages, even though you know they will be unutterably wanky and depressing. Why do I want to know whether pikeypete69 in Hull has rated me a 'honey' or a 'geek'? Why do I even care? 

<*dv_1*> I just can't get enough of it. Please help me. It's rather like that tiny frisson of excitement I still get when an email arrives, even though I know for a fact it will only be a viagra/Paris Hilton/penis enlargement circular. I. Just. Need. To. Check.

I blame my friend Anna. 'Go on Faceparty' she said. 'It's fun.' She now admits this was a manipulative lie, but it's too late,  I've been sucked in. At least we can counsel each other now. We swap usernames and anecdotes. And how we laugh. But that's how it starts, with the soft stuff....

Ok so. I met someone on there. We'll call him Bob. (He calls himself Paul, cos that's his name). He told me about how he creates *gulp* fake profiles. For fun. 'It's great' he said. 'I'll help you.' In the time it takes to say 'get a life Mel,' my alter ego was born. My alias (lets call her Scarlett shall we), exists in order to exact pitiless revenge on those who have slighted my genuine (ha!) profile. A gorgeous lipstick lesbian, poor Scarlett longs for a butch shaven headed girl to dominate her...but she's confused about her sexuality - is she really a lesbian? Maybe she just needs a big strong man to convert her? Poor lamb, who can she possibly turn to? Well there are hundreds of men she can turn to, judging by her bulging inbox. The poor misguided fools... It goes something like this: someone sends me a message that I take exception to. maybe it's abusive, maybe it's offensive. Maybe they have a racist/sexist/ lame profile. Shortly afterwards, Scarlett takes an interest in the culprit. Before you know it, a date is arranged in the first giddy flush of romance. And the bastard gets stood up in the rain, at a time and location of my choosing. A diverting pastime. But I had to give it up. It just felt too damn good. 

Hmm.. something tells me I need to get out more....

<*dv_5*> I've had my fair share of stalker types. One guy messaged me saying hi. Five minutes later I had a 'why are you ignoring me!!!' message, closely followed by several more 'SPEAK TO ME NOW!' type missives, which grew steadily more and more aggressive. Even when I blocked him, he continued to look at my page in his fury for about a fortnight. The most worrying thing is, to this day he probably doesn't see what he did wrong. Can you imagine that approach in real life, in a bar for instance? The guy would get arrested. On his profile he claims to have no luck with women. You're not kidding mate.

Without doubt the most memorable user I have come across is wanky_bubbles. Wanky_bubbles is a pre op transexual, who is searching for a third wheel for his love triangle. He was highly specific. Highly. Let me know if you're interested.. I'll pass the name along! At least Mr wanky was interesting. I have lost count of the fortysomething speccy geeks in Cornwall who 'love' my taste in music. Um, my SClub quote was IRONIC boys...tell you what, why don't you stop wanking just long enough to move out of your mum's house, get a job, get a shower and get out of my face? And while you're at it stop being so damn ugly!

I'm sorry was that not politically correct? Well bite me. That's what Faceparty does to you. All politeness and consideration falls by the wayside after a few dozen or so of these idiots, believe me. My initial phase of replying politely to every message gave way to a merciless programme of contemptously ignoring almost everyone. Harsh I know, but this site destroys any gentleness of spirit in five minutes straight. The milk of human kindness is nowhere to be seen in this territory.

<*dv_4*> There was the bloke with the nail varnish fetish. The couple who wanted to be watched having sex. There was the guy who wanted to 'tie me up in his dungeon and lick me all over'. Not with that beard you're not darling.... ughh. There was the old guy (I'm talking 70ish) with the stained vest. His caption was 'back on the market.' I'm at a loss to even describe my feelings on this. I feel robbed of all my naivety.

I'm being cynical of course. It has to to be said that I have met some charming, even some almost 'normal' people online (you know who you are). It's just that the odds are heavily stacked against this happening. For every genuine person you encounter, you have to fight your way through an assortment of perverts, weirdos, inbreds, and just plain boring people to get there.

So go on, sign up to Faceparty. You know you want to. It's great! It's free! Just watch out for the pervs and weirdos. Because they'll be watching out for you.

<*dv_0*>Piece submitted by Darkeyed75

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