I have a fear of urinals. There, I've said it. I am actually jealous of people who can stroll up to urinals, bold as brass, slap the lad out and waz to their heart's content. To me that is a mystery, as every time I enter a gent's toilet I'm gripped by trepidation - do I REALLY need to go right now? Can't it wait? OK so I'm weird, but there is nothing worse than being gripped by stage fright right at the last minute, standing there staring down, WILLING wee to appear, squeezing at least a drop out, and nothing coming - you feel as barren as the Sahara. You also feel that everyone has been observing what has just been happening: you coming into the gent's, standing there alongside the big men - one of them, an equal - tail in hand ready to do your almighty piss. And then nothing. They must think you did it on purpose, that you make a habit of going into toilets just so you can stand there eyeing up the soldiers on parade - you HOMOSEXUAL*! And so you have to leave the toilet, not making eye contact with anyone. Infact you have to leave the place you are in, just incase you happen to be sat in close proximity to one of the people who just witnessed your failure to wee, and they are laughing at you and telling their mates what a HOMOSEXUAL* you are.
<*dv_1*> For any man with a fear of urinals possibly the worst place for this to happen is at work - then there is no escape. You stroll into the toilets, you look round - all the cubicles are 'busy' - you're going to have to use... the urinal. And standing at the other urinal is... your BOSS! There is no way in HELL you will ever be able to go now. I have nightmares about that scenario, I really do. If you're clever you can pretend you just went in to wash your hands, or you spilt coffee on your tie or some such bollocks, but more often than not you have to go through the motions, get it out, stand there, and just HOPE that your boss has been in there long enough to be finishing up, and that you're just in the overlap between him finishing and you starting. The relief when you find that this is the case and he will be stepping away from the urinals before your just standing there has begun to feel unnatural is indescribable. You almost audibly sigh. And then he begins to chat to you...
* I'm really not. Promise.
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