Every School had one. Bet there was one in your year. There certainly were a few in mine.
<*dv_3*> What am I raving about? Gimps. Not just any old gimp though! No no! The particular gimp I have always despised and derided under my breath is the gimp that spends his - I have only witnessed males indulging in this and mooching round the shop - money and time, buying, assembling and painting half inch high figurines and then proceeding to play with them against equally unattractive individuals, on intricately built sets for no apparent reason or logic.
Games Workshop. Why?
<*dv_2*> What drives a pony tailed 30 something with bad acne and glasses to spend what time they have on this planet, bent over a plastic figure of the Wizard Dwarf, painting on his dimples with a .000001/th of an inch paintbrush? What drives this same individual to hand carve out of styrofoam the battleground where the Orcs take on the last of Man? What makes him and his collective buddies drool over the limited edition replica of the Daemon sword of Arcon, Lord of the End times and the Slayer of Kings???
Lets go back to school for a mo. I think I may have an idea where it begins. Think back and see if this description matches, in your mind, what a juvenile Warhammer fan would look like because this is what they looked like at my school.
<*dv_4*> Typically there would always be two of them. One would be the slightly overweight kid who looked sweaty, had laboured snorty breathing, a mid puberty bum fluff type moustache/beard thing and always - because they were the only ones that wore them - a Casio calculator watch that was embedded in the fleshy wrist. These lads always had short, styless brown hair. Their sidekick would always be blonde, shorter and scrawny a' la Gareth from the Office. He would be very pasty and pale & nearly always smell of something. You never knew quite what but it was 'something'. Both would wear stereotypical white trainers and tuck their t-shirts into the tightly belted jeans that usually hovered two inches above said white trainers. All these lads had we each other and of course, Games Workshop. They were nearly always the cleverest, friendless, bastards in the school as well because the old Warhammer rules and strategium is fucking complicated!
So taking a psychological viewpoint, I can now understand why this activity attracted so many of these feckless teenagers. You enter a time where suddenly your looks and physical prowess become important. You start trying to shave - then have the hilarious 'Home Alone' moment when you have your first splash of Brut, sans freshly scraped bum fluff. You start taking an active interest in what lurks behind your - in the words of my mate - "Bellfruiticus". Suddenly what type of Lynx deodarant you have in your Gym bag matters. And what prompts the sudden interest in personal hygiene and grooming? Girls!
<*dv_6*> Your average gimp will nearly always lack the self esteem, confidence and personal hygiene that will entice said femme fatales, so they retreat to somewhere they can control. Where they are respected. Where they are SAFE.
And that's what its all about. Safety. Does the Dwarf Chief Kalgon, Axe wielder of Zirth give a fuck that you are spotty, short sighted, have halitosis and still wet the bed?
<*dv_5*> Hell no! He cares only for the necks of Orcs and the ungodly beasts that dwell in the wood across the Yanert River beyond the realm of the Black Citadel. (Seven rolls of the die to advance). And this is how they mature into 30 something gimps that still live at home with their parents and masturbate vigourously on a daily basis over Jpegs of Lara Croft (Is that so wrong? -S).
I think I'm no longer going to take the piss out of them. In fact, I think I may make it my duty to try and save some of them before its too late.
<*dv_1*> Who will join me in picketing the Games Workshop premises across the land handing out copies of Razzle and waving placards with the slogans "You're really a beautiful person" "What are yer? Yer a Tiger" Raaaa" "Girls are nice" "Lynx rocks" ?
Hurry my brothers and sisters...
<*dv_0*> We have but a short time before the Daemon Sword of Arcon hits the shelves and they fall beyond reasoning....
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