I think that somewhere deep down, Im a true romantic. Despite many failed relationships, for some reason, I keep on trying, convinced that Ill find The One. But every time it looks as though I might have found the right girl for me, one of two things will happen: theyll either dump me, or theyll reveal the true extent of their insanity and annoy me beyond belief.
With this in mind, let me tell you about the latest entry in my It Could Only Happen To Me files.
<*dv_0*> I suppose I should have realised where things were going the very first time that I took this girl out. Lets call her Sarah, although thats not her real name. Id met her on a night out once and she seemed nice enough. She wasnt the prettiest girl around, but she wasnt that bad either, and she was actually prepared to talk to me, which put her head and shoulders above the other girls out that night who seemed somewhat less that interested.
A few weeks after meeting her, I took her out for a drink. Shed been considerate enough to wear a low-cut top and in my books, thats always appreciated so I had a good feeling about the night.
The good feeling I had about the night became even better when, unlike other girls, she actually stuck around for another drink after wed finished the first one. I didnt get too carried away with this, because shed bought the first drinks, so I thought that maybe she was just sticking around so that she could break even. However, after wed finished the second round, she still stayed.
Things took a turn for the worse the longer we sat there. After the initial getting to know each other period, this left us with moments of awkward silence. Sarah, however, soon found the courage to end this silence and tell me even more about herself. I got to hear all about her ex-boyfriend, and by the end of the night, I actually felt like I knew the guy. This was alarming in itself, but it wasnt as alarming as when she told me about the two times shed tried to commit suicide after their break-up.
I politely smiled and nodded, realising that the girl was clearly insane, but if I played my cards right, Id be able to get away that night, unscathed. But after the talk of her ex-boyfriend and her suicide attempts, things seemed to get better. We actually had a good time. Sure, I was still worried about her suicidal tendencies and her obsession with her ex, but surely, these things would pass in time.
The following weekend, we agreed that she was going to come over to my place. Unusually, Id actually listened to what she had to say so I had a good idea about the things that she liked, therefore, I wanted to plan the perfect evening. She was a fussy eater, but I knew something that I could make that shed like. She also liked ice cream and candles, although not both together at the same. So I went down to Tesco and bought my supplies. It actually took me two trips to Tesco because on the first trip, Id neglected to buy one of the main ingredients of the meal that I intended to prepare the meat. Either way, I had food, I had ice cream, I had condoms and Id even remembered that she liked Vanilla Coca Cola, so Id bought some of that. Id decided against buying candles though. Firstly, Im not into all that candlelight crap, and secondly, I had no idea where Id be able to find candles Tesco didnt have any and Ill be damned if I was going to go to two places to buy supplies for this night!
Not wanting to go off on a tangent here, but has anyone noticed how ridiculously expensive condoms are? It pains me every time I have to buy them, although, in all fairness, its not that often. Dont you think thered be less unwanted pregnancies if condoms were cheaper? In fact, the price of condoms may actually be responsible for the decline of society. Think about it: people have kids by mistake, the kids drive them insane and cost them lots of money, therefore the kids get neglected, and then, those neglected children grow up and become menaces to society robbing old ladies, spraying graffiti on walls and eventually becoming estate agents.
Another one of my condom theories is that in shops, condoms should be placed directly below nappies so that when people buy nappies, they have condoms staring them in the face as they reach for the top shelf. Hopefully, then it should sink in that if theyd have bought condoms, they wouldnt have needed to have to stretch and try and reach the nappies on the top shelf. You know it makes sense.
Anyway, back from the condom tangent In short, the perfect evening turned out to be a complete disaster. She didnt like the meal that Id prepared. To be fair, it wasnt great, but I was able to eat it, dammit! She didnt like the ice cream that Id bought either and that really pissed me off because Id bought that expensive Haagen Das stuff! Graciously, shed been willing to drink the Vanilla Coke though.
Things seemed as though they couldnt get any worse, but they certainly did. Sarah had been kind enough to bring over a video that we could watch: the Britney Spears movie, Crossroads. Id protested against showing it, telling her that my VCR wasnt compatible with that video, but unfortunately, she didnt believe me. Then, as if having to watch the films wasnt bad enough, Sarah managed to ruin any possible enjoyment that I might have gotten from the film (Shed already turned down my suggestion to play the film on mute so that we could watch Britney dance about in silence) by saying the actors lines before they actually had a chance to say them. Sure, it was impressive that she knew the film word for word, but putting up with 90 minutes of this was difficult to stomach.
Neither of us were particularly happy, and the night ended abruptly when Sarah claimed that she had to go home because she had a migraine. I didnt whole-heartedly believe her, but to tell the truth, I was relieved that the night was going to end.
I didnt expect to see Sarah again, and sure enough, the following day, I received a text message stating that she wasnt sure if things were going to work out between us because she thought that she was still in love with her ex. We had a brief telephone conversation about the matter, although Im not really sure why, and then I thought that this would be the end of the matter.
It seems that I was wrong. The following night, she called me, wanting me to go over and see her and her friends. She was acting as though nothing had happened. I told her that it was too late for me to go over that night, and I also told her that Id been to the cinema earlier that day to see American Pie: The Wedding (on a side note, this film rocks and if you havent seen it, go see it now. No, I said NOW!). She said that she couldnt believe that Id been to see it without her. I told her that after our conversation the previous, I didnt think Id ever be seeing her again. You should have known that youd be seeing me again, she replied. How?
Anyway, to put the nails in the coffin of this alleged relationship, I took her to the cinema the following Thursday to see the new American Pie film. I didnt expect things to run smoothly, and sure enough, they didnt.
<*dv_3*> Most of the people in this world have a special cinema laugh they use to avoid irritating the hell out of the other people in the room. Its more of a restrained laugh enough to let people know that you find something funny, but not loud enough to draw attention to yourself. And then, of course, theres always that person in the cinema with the loudest, most obnoxious laugh imaginable. Well, for one night, I had the privilege of sitting next to that person.
I cringed every time Sarah released her hideous-sounding laugh, knowing that everyone was looking at us and cursing at us. The embarrassment was taken to the next level as the film got funnier: the abrasive laugh was accompanied by Sarah pointing at the screen every time something funny happened. Everyones looking at the same damn screen; you dont need to point things out to them!
After this night, the relationship continued to go downhill, and a few weeks later, it was all but over. Id like to say that it was fun while it lasted, but it wasnt really. I suppose in situations like this, you have to look for the positive, and hey, no matter how bad my experience with Sarah was, at least I know that Ive still got a good supply of condoms for my next venture!
<*dv_1*> Submitted by Lee Baker
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