The Internet Movie Database

You know it; of course you do, everyone with a PC and a pulse knows about IMDb - the wonderful site where you can find out what else that guy from that movie with Rachel from Friends has been in. A handy tool of the Internet, a bright idea that has become a global institution, the best way to win at Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon.

<*dv_2*> You know what else IMDb is? Its a handy, hysterical guide to all of the neuroses and fears that are kicking around in the world. Its a scratch and sniff tour of long held beliefs that manage to be laugh-out-loud funny while being shit-your-pants scary at the same time. I firmly believe that IMDb is the best way to get a cheap laugh since Jeremy Beadles right hand.

You see, IMDb has discussion forums. Anyone can start then up, and anyone can comment on them. If you knew this already then forgive me, its brand new information as far as Im concerned. Its these forums that have provided me so much joy over the last few months, and Id like to share the path to enlightenment with you, the lovely readers of Babyfathead. I have no idea how I got sucked into this world, how my one-off giggle became an illicit thrill akin to scoffing three bags of fizzy fish. I must have stumbled upon it accidentally. Of course, after three solid months of laughing my arse off, I now have a handy guide on how to get the best out of IMDbs forums.

Id suggest starting out slowly. To do this you simply need to click onto any film that is tops at the box office. Then scroll down and start searching the forums. It shouldn't take too long for you to find what youre looking for a fight. The exact moment where two people, more than likely in totally different time zones, decide that they disagree and indulge themselves in a slanging match. Ive never felt the need to argue on the Net. Discuss, debate and take the piss, hell yeah. Argue, never. Whats the point? There are enough people around in real life to argue with. (I could walk into any All Bar One in the country and find an arrogant twat willing to do the job.) But, in the world of IMDb, not everyone is as level-headed as I am.

<*dv_4*> Once youve found your first IMDb dust-up I bet youll try to find your second pretty soon after. Its like Googlewhacking only funnier, because you know that at least two people in the world are getting all wound up and sweaty for nothing; even better than that, you know that there is absolutely nothing they can do about it. So, you decide to look for your second virtual cussfest. Where to start where to start?

Duh!

<*dv_1*> Youre on a fucking movie discussion board, you can start anywhere you like! Quick, find an actor whose birthday it is today and click your mouse. There you go, therell be a barney in there somewhere. On the day Im writing Sharon Stone turns 47. So I clicked on Stones biog page and there, grinning devilishly up at me and begging me to click them, were two links that I just knew would lead me to marvellous verbal sparring: Basic Instinct 2 and Catwoman. Films like Catwoman will deliver you a giddy thrill higher than any other on IMDb does the fans versus the non-fans. Or, in the parlance of our times, the lovers versus the haters. These bouts are like pure PCP injected into the eyes of every voyeuristic motherfucker out there. They deliver a jolt not unlike that you get if you piss on an electric fence. They are more fun than a dozen Halloweens all rolled into one.

They always work the same way. Someone (invariably an older, incredibly snobbish movie buff) will post a comment along the lines of: Seriously, did anyone actually enjoy this TRASH? Cue replies from dozens of illiterate fans, all of whom lay into the original poster, his dubious sexuality and questionable parentage. Out of the sea of abuse a lone voice of reason will rise and try to debate the instigator. They will argue back and forth for several days, each convinced they are a more knowledgeable and consummate movie fan. This lasts only as long as their patience - as soon as that snaps they go back to spitting insults at each other. Meanwhile any impartial observers will be disabled with laughter, crying at their desks and desperate to find another Mega Cyber Barney.

MCBs are easy to find. Take any popular film from the last 100 years and youll be guaranteed to find a doozy. Whether its some 16-year-old who fell asleep in Citizen Kane, a Star Wars fan incensed that Lord of the Rings is higher up the chart than said space opera, or a rabid film snob who just cant stand Pulp Fiction; youll find unlimited chuckles on IMDb. Whether its DiCaprio fans versus Depp fans, or Paul Walker fans versus, um anyone with a brain if you dont find something to make you laugh you must be clinically brain dead.

And its not just films, dont go thinking that. Because anyone whos been in a film is listed, you could find the biog for, say, George W. Bush and instantly enjoy a heated debate on the Iraqi war complete with half-truths and heated accusations flying around like shrapnel. A recent favourite debate of mine was on Tony Blairs biog page and concerned the tricky issue of immigration. Two blokes whove never met, calling each other racist and threatening violence like a couple of crappy EastEnders-style gangsters. This verbal war was made all the more funny by one participant stating he had Asburges Syndrome or Aspergers syndrome as everyone else who suffers from the illness knows it. Im going to use that very same defence next time I lose an argument: Excuse me, I suffer from a medical condition so bad I dont even know how to fucking spell it.

A good tactic is to look at the boards for films that represent Hollywoods take on history: films like Braveheart, U-571 or Saving Private Ryan. These boards will be crammed full of xenophobic hatred, broad accusations and racial stereotypes that anyone with any sense will be reduced to tears of mirth by. I have never seen the phrase If it wasnt for us youd all be speaking German used so many times in one place. The only other place they get as incensed is the boards for any film that is a remake of an old cult favourite. I swear some bloke had an embolism on the board for the Italian Job remake.

Im so into it I actually keep tabs on my favourite discussion boards. (Yes, I know, this is nearly as sad as doing the discussing. But I dont care because its so funny.) Ive discovered a rather touching friendship between a psychotic American and a black-metal loving Scot on the discussion boards for Paul W.S Anderson. They regularly back each other up and compliment each others comments in between bouts of spitting and raving. I can only assume they bonded over a shared love of dishing out the threat of violence to people theyll never meet. (But hey, at least it keeps them off the streets.)

<*dv_0*> You may stumble onto a post so inflammatory youll think: Hang on, this guys winding people up This is the work of a troll, someone who cruises Internet discussion boards trying to wind people up. You know what? People still bite! Someone will spot the troll, then proceed to belittle them and their comments; essentially giving them EXACTLY what they want. Dont ignore trolls, theyll give you a short-term fix before you move onto a meatier topic.

Have I ever participated? Sadly no, Im too much of a coward. Is it wrong that Im getting my kicks laughing at people who dont know (or want to know) any better? Probably yes. But I dare you, yes YOU, to go and have a look. Then, once the laughter has faded and youre able to type properly, come back here and tell me how right I was.

Booger

Back to front

Click here for BFH merchandise