<*dv_3*> Hi. The following is a journal of my encounters with Jehovah's witnesses, recorded in Bristol, UK, earlier this year. As a kind of game, my housemate and I strove to make their visits as interesting as possible. Here are the results.
April
A friendly fat lady came to the door, offering spiritual advice and copies of 'The Watchtower'. I listened intently, giving the occasional nod. I think it went well, though she seemed perturbed when I started scratching my crotch, muttering: 'fucking crabs'.
June
Today an elderly couple arrived, keen to spread the good news. I asked them whether they agreed with the passage in the bible that forbids intercourse with animals (Lev 20:15). 'Yes', they said. They looked a tad worried. 'Ok', I said, and we resumed the conversation. A few seconds later, I interrupted, and said: 'what about dogs?' The old man scowled at me, and said: 'The passage refers to ALL animals'. 'Oh, right.' I said. Shortly, I interrupted again, and said: 'what about cats?' . And on it went. By the time I reached baboons they were thoroughly peeved, and left. 'Do you think I should give up my job at the zoo?' I shouted after them.
June (again)
<*dv_2*> So amused were my housemate and I by the previous approach, we tried it again. This time, we were visited by a bald bloke in a leather jacket (he seemed to have forgotten what month it was). Having got to the 'dog' bit, he leant in close and whispered (honestly): 'we've all been tempted in that department, believe me'. We politely refused a copy of the Watchtower.
July
My housemate did this one. When another elderly couple arrived, he thought it would be fun to 'out-religion' them. 'Hi!', he said, 'So nice to meet the footsoldiers of Jesus' 'Praaise him!' and stuff like that. I thought he was overdoing it a bit, but they actually believed him. They appeared to take him under their wing - It was rather touching. This culminated in one of the most embarrassing moments of my life - my housemate took his 12-string guitar out into the street and started singing 'Kum-by-ya' with our new friends. He made up for it, though, by finishing with the riff from 'Enter Sandman', and shouting: 'Satan owns my bottom', before running back into the house. You should have seen their faces.
<*dv_1*> Submitted by Sam
<*dv_0*>Baby Fat Head would like to apologise to all Jehova's Witnesses for the above piece. We'd like to, but we wont until you bastards apologise to us for knocking on our doors and getting us out of bed when we're trying to have a lie in/shag on a Sunday morning.
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