The previously fairly innocuous clothes label has come under heavy fire today for turning one mans life into a living hell. Unemployed lifeguard Joe Chicco from Batley, West Yorks has launched a stinging attack on clothes maufacturers. Joe suffered apalling itchiness around his neck area, which steadily became worse and worse. Joe quickly realised after six months of agony, that the itch was coming from his clothing labels. Joe at first thought he was allergic to his fifteen year old cat and after a day spent agonising over it, before eventually deciding to have the cat shot. Unfortunate Joe lost his job a month earlier due to the amount of time he had taken sick. Joe had previously boasted an unblemished attendance record for over three weeks and had seen his doctor several times about other issues. The heartless company Joe had loyally served for over a month were yesterday unavailable for comment.
"I couldn't afford the vets fees as I'd lost my job, but I knew I had to do something to stop my illness, it seemed like the last throw of the dice. I did it at dawn, somehow it seemed poetically fitting that we said goodbye in that way. I then put it in a bag along with a brick and threw it downstream. I even had a wake all day at the pub. Now it seems as though it was all for nothing."
Mr. Chicco, 33 spoke out from his council home about the insensitivity of the manufacturers, whom he believes are at the centre of either a massive label scam or bizarre conspiracy. Joe is now suffering post traumatic stress syndrome along with debilitating itchiness The downward spiral continued when Joe's girlfriend left him following the discovery of over a hundred scratches on his back. We contacted a heavily made-up Ms. Guardiola, 42 and she made this statement;
<*dv_1*> "Joe Chicco was having multiple affairs behind my back, he lost his job cause he thought up a great scam to make himself a millionaire, he shot his cat and had himself arrested for exposure all for what he liked to think was the worlds greatest scam."
The sour grapes from the old hag continue,
<*dv_0*> "Joe had even tried spilling MacDonalds coffee over his groin in a double whammy attempt to sue them and the worlds clothes manufacturers. It was ridiculous, fortunately the staff refused to serve naked Joe and as he left the restaurant he was arrested. I'm glad I left him, he was crap in bed anyway."
It comes as no surprise to the Daily Honk that Ms. Guardiola is now sharing a flat with a sleazy London lap dancer. We followed Ms. Guardiola several times and discovered some of he shocking habits which are far too sleazy even for this newspaper. Ms. Guardiola is also foreign and can therefore be
quickly discredited by any reasonable court in the land.
"Imagine realising that I would have to go to the bother of cutting out the labels from all of my clothes to regain my life. Its as though I'm being punished, though I don't know what for. I will have to remove the labels for the rest of my life. These manufacturers just don't care and it isn't fair. Every time I remove a label I run the risk of severing a major artery with a pair of sharp scissors. I either endure lifelong itches or I put my life in my own hands by wearing clothes. I've lost everything I ever had all because
of these stupid labels. This has become something of a crusade for me"
We contacted Dr. E. Doppleganger who told us that this was a very rare case and probably wasn't treatable although very soft fabric conditioners may help. Joe was seeking comfort with relatives yesterday following Dr Doppleganger's comments, although he doubted very much that even the worlds biggest selling fabric conditioner would do the trick. Joe's parents have now started a
candlelight vigil at his bedside and are keeping him under a constant suicide watch. It seems that Joe like many other incurables is destined to spend the rest of his life plagued by an itch he just can't stop scratching. All we can do is hope and pray that our children face a better future than Joe's.
Submitted by Dam Robinson
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