Frodo: Ah.....beautiful....trees.......the sun's shining, surrounded by laughing, contact lense wearing hobbits.......what a DUMP.
(A cart is heard....singing....a familiar figure in a crooked hat rides down the track. Frodo leaps up, smiles, and runs over)
Frodo: You're late..
(The figure looks up. It is Gandalf. And he is wearing a traffic cone.)
Gandalf: Fuck off, you ameobic discharge. I was enjoying myself with the whisky, alright? Knew i'd end up in the godforsaken SHITHOLE, so i thought i'd get hammered beforehand.
Frodo: You miserable old sod. So how've you been? What's the world like?
Gandalf: Ah....people are...people are bastards.......bunch of 'em....even Elrond's a lager lout. Just swivels in his chair BANGING ON ABOUT IMMORTALITY. Just because he's born with it, and just because he can.
Frodo: What's a swivel chair?
Gandalf: Anyway, no-one knows about the existence of Hobbits, for which I am entirely grateful. Because if they knew I came here and knocked around with a bunch of hairy arsed tossers with no shoes, I'd be a laughing fucking stock
Frodo: CHEERS.
(Kids playing....fireworks explode from the back of Gandalf's cart. Actually, as opposed to fireworks, Gandalf merely pulls a string, and a scatter of rotten vegetables fall out of the back of the cart)
Frodo: What's that? How's that going to entertain?
Gandalf: Entertain, my boy? I was just dumping my crap here whilst I have the chance. I'm going back tomorrow.
Frodo: Christ. Well, er, I'll see you later.
Gandalf: Yeah, whatever.... (Yawns)
SCENE 2
INT: Bagend
Gandalf: Look at this place... round door.... sign saying "No admittance except on part business"....like he'd have any other visitors ever! What a LOSER! OPEN UP YOU FUCKER!
(Door swings open. Bilbo peers out)
Bilbo: GANDALF! It's really you! OH GANDALF!
(They hug..Bilbo is crying...Gandalf, from the other side, is rolling his eyes, and holding one hand up doing a wanker sign)
Bilbo: Come in! COME IN!
Gandalf: Er, cheers....*fucking low roof*.....OW!
Bilbo: Mind the hanging objects...I put them there to smash people's heads open for kicks! Not you though... You want some wine, Gandy? GOT SOME OLD SHIT HERE..............ALMOST AS OLD AS I AM!
Gandalf: Yeah, but not being kept alive by a fucking trinket...you festering bastard
Bilbo: Sorry, Gandy?
Gandalf: Oh, nothing, nothing.... this... this map... did you draw it?
Bilbo: Yes, yes I did.
Gandalf: It's shit. You've used one black crayon I see...... hardly an eye for colour, have you porkie?
Bilbo: It's for my book....
Gandalf: Oh yes, the FAMOUS BOOK. How is that coming? Done the entry about the day you came back from killing the dragon...and almost fucked it all up by falling down a fucking well?
Bilbo: I was drunk...
Gandalf: YEAH WELL I'M DRUNK. And I still don't manage to EMBARRASS MYSELF. Frankly, this tails off afterwards, and the last few chapters..... I mean....look at it......
"February 15th: Dug up some turnips....... chatted to the inkeeper, had a fist fight with a pig, got no older. AGAIN."
Hardly the stuff of dreams, is it?
Bilbo: No, well, I'm leaving, Gandalf. I'm leaving for good.
Gandalf: Eu-fucking-Reka. I'll mind the place. I've got petrol and a match.
Scene 3
INT: Bagend
Bilbo: Frodo, ain't coming.... just ain't coming.... I think he's still in love with the Shire, sentimental young scamp....
Gandalf: Nah, mate....it's because he'd rather stay in a seeping pit of excrement than walk roads with a big time FUCKING LOSER LIKE YOU.
(Outside, Gandalf and Bilbo are sitting and smoking pipes shaped like trombones)
Bilbo: Old Toby. The finest fucking weed in alla MID EARTH, BOY.
(Bilbo first blows a ring of smoke and Gandalf blows a smoke phallus that sails through it)
Bilbo: You showy fucker. YOU DIRTY SHOW OFF FUCKER.
INT: PARTY
Bilbo : Hello everyone! Yes, WELCOME TO MY PARTY! Er, it's Bilbo...yes...that's it....no I'm not a wanker...
(Switch to Frodo, sitting next to Sam)
Frodo: Get in there, mate....she's well up for it...look at her! (Makes filthy hand gestures with his genitals and a hand)
Sam: You never were this obnoxiously filthy before, Mr Frodo.
Frodo: GO ON SAAHN! Bang her like a tambourine! FOR OLD FRODO! NOT OLD, IM JUST SAYING..... GO FOR IT!
Gandalf: (Standing over a box crammed full of fireworks, smoking, and dropping burning ash) Whoa! Better sort myself out! (Kicks fireworks violently into a big bonfire. Two hobbits are burnt alive by the resultant explosions...two more are injured) YES! THATS MORE LIKE IT.
(More fireworks)
(Bilbo is busy frightening the children)
Bilbo: There I was, at the mercy of three trolls! THEY GLOWERED OVER ME FOR A MINUTE.....THEN WHEN THE TIME CAME!
(Children are gasping in child eyed wonderment)
Bilbo: They were going to get the old pool ball in a sock out... give me a right twatting... BANG BOSH BIP! They started arguing over the fucking SOCK! So old sunny boy came out, BAM!
(Childen gasp)
Bilbo: They got a good suntan! And turned to fucking stone! TOSSERS!
(Gandalf is dragging more fireworks, whilst swigging whisky and hurling lit fireworks in all directions)
Merry: GET A MOVE ON...
(More fireworks)
Gandalf: I love a fire hazard.....
Merry: No, not that one... the one shaped like a rotting testicle...
(Merry and Pippin fall about like flailing tree branches)
Pippin: Ok, got it.
Merry: Right, now randomly aim it at crowds
Pippin: NO!
Merry: COME ON!
Pippin: Piss off....
(Goes off, Merry and Pippin are left lying burnt on the floor, firework explodes into the shape of a GRAND OVER SIZED BOLLOCK)
Hobbit: I KNEW Gandalf had a genitalia FETISH!
(Gandalf gets hold of the two hobbits.)
Merry and Pippin: ARGH!
Gandalf: You little fuckers! Right, you're going to do the bloody washing up. And this buffet ain't going to clear itself, either.
(Speech)
Hobbits: Speech! SPEECH! OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH!
Frodo: Speech!
Bilbo: My dear Krankies, Barnbottles, Likestones....Doubleheiser...Knobfoot
Mr.Proudfoot: Proudfeet!
Bilbo: Whatever... I've seen your foot mate. Today is my 111th birthday!
Hobbits: HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Bilbo: Alas, eleventy-one years is far too many...sorry...too short an amount of years to live among such a fucked up bunch of interwoven hellions such as you stinking lot.....not enough time to work out what the FUCK is going on here, frankly, I STILL don't know why i'm even here NOW.
Hobbits:...............................................
Bilbo: You're all a bunch of wankers. YOURE ALL. WANKERS. RIGHT? FUCKING STUPID WANKERS.
(Silence)
<*dv_0*> Bilbo: I have things to do.....picture my life....you're not in it. FUCK OFF. Oh yeah, I'm the one that's supposed to fuck off. Sorry, just let me fiddle for a while, it'll give me time to say a few spooky things. So how are you? Any questions?
Hobbit: Do we have electricity in Middle Earth?
Bilbo: You know, possibly....it's maybe to do with dragons and stuff....oh...got it.... Ive put this off for far too long. Two weeks in fact...my travel documents finally came through Thursday. This is the end...blahdy blahdy BLAH. If you could turn to page thirty seven of the agenda...you'll see "Party ends with Bilbo disappearing and a pathetic poof, making the death of Barry Evans look like a cinematic MASTERSTROKE)
Bilbo (looks at Frodo and whispers): You...you were always the biggest LOSER of them all. Yer cheap slab.
Hobbits : Ooh!
(Bilbo disappears and fucks off to Bagend)
INT: BAGEND
Bilbo: BLOODY BRILLIANT. Fooled the thick sods.
Gandalf: Yeah, ACE. Well done, some of us wish you were permanently invisible. Sadly, this is not the case. What was that all about, you dickhead?
Bilbo (startled): OH COME ON! THEIR FACES! That's the first time I've ever astonished a group of people. Except the time I dropped my trousers.....
Gandalf: That was more laughter than anything else. What are doing fucking about with that ring?
Bilbo: I was having a laugh, mate....i'm outta here soon. You'll keep tabs on lensey boy, will you?
Gandalf: I'll keep two tabs, and he's paying both. Gullible knob. I've already got two Guiness, 20 Bensons, and a prawn roll on it.
Bilbo: Im leaving everything to him.
Gandalf: Even that ring?
Bilbo: Yes, it's over there, mate................. OOPS, no....stupid me...i've still got it...I'm so a forgetful. STUPID BILBO! STUPIDY WOOPIDY LOOPIDY BILBO! STOOPY POOPY CUNTY WUNTY BILBO!
Gandalf: Just shut up for a minute, you ageless arsehole, I know you're stupid as a tree made out of shit, but feigning that much stupidity is not going to work with GANDY BOY. Do you desire it that much?
Bilbo: Well, no....and YES.
INT: Bag End
Bilbo: I'm 'avin this.....mate..........what's a krinkly git like you going to do...eh? Wave your battered old staff at me? Yer twat.
Gandalf: Alright, calm down, son. I'm just saying.
Bilbo: Whatever, you want this shit....you know you do...my precious fucking ring...and to think you tried to swap me for a bag of sherbert.
Gandalf: Precious? Its been called that before, but not by you.
Bilbo: Piss off, you wispy beareded groaner.
Gandalf: I think youve had that Ring quite long enough.
Bilbo: You want it, don't you? I knew it! I knew you didn't come here for the Shire! It's too much of a shithole even for you!
Gandalf (grows taller): BILBO BAGGINS! Oh, wait a minute....gotta do the slowdown thing on my microphone...that's it...bear with me...now...."BIIIIIILLLLBOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAGGGGGGINNNNNNSSS! DO NOT TAKE ME FOR SOME CONJURER OF CHEAP TRICKS! I have several card ones too. Im trying to help you.
(Bilbo cries like a fucking baby)
Gandalf: Look, we're mates right? You can trust me, just fucking leave the ring here, you bawling muppet.
Bilbo: Shit....alright....okay....i'm off.....oh yeah...don't go in the toilet, it's broken....and the pipe in the sink is blocked.
(Bilbo opens the door)
Gandalf: BILBO...
Bilbo: What?
Gandalf: You've still got the bloody ring. For God's sake.......
Bilbo: Oh yeah....
(Bilbo brings out the ring, eyeballs it for a while...then drops the thing on the floor, then he pisses off out of the door, and trips on the tripwire Gandalf has set. A kilo of rotten turnips and shit drops on his head, along with a note saying "Farewell, arsehole. Have a good time shambling towards your death! Love gandy XXXXXXX")
Bilbo: BASTARD.
INT: Shores
Gandalf: Well, Frodo. It's time...
Sam: What's........what's 'e talkin' about Mr Frowdow?
Frodo: Sam.....I have to...I have to....AHAHHAHHH!!!
Sam: Hang on, that's my line.....AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Frodo: WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Gandalf: I hate long goodbyes.....come on Frodo.
(Frodo does the usual slow motion hugs with the others, Sam cries his fucking head off, the others battle him for cyring rights, fail, and Frodo leaves finally looking over his shoulder smiling weakly, and walks with Gandalf onto the boat.)
Frodo: Sob....bye....bye!
(The other hobbits stand crying, the boat finally leaves their view....Gandalf and Frodo's expressions change)
Frodo: Are we out of sight yet?
Gandalf: Yes.
Frodo: WHOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! PARRRRRRRRTYYYYYYYY!!! Finally got rid of those FUCKING LOSERS!
Gandalf: OH YES....OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH...
(Gandalf starts robotic dancing while Frodo knocks back the old JD)
INT: Rohan
Pippin: But why do i have to go? I haven't done anything! All i did was get my hands stuck to a big fiery fucking ball. WHAT'S THE HARM IN THAT?
Merry: Pippin, it was Sauron...now he thinks YOU HAVE THE RING. He'll be after you.
Pippin: NO!
Merry: YES. NOW fuck off with Gandalf!
Pippin: But.... you're my mate!
Merry: Go. We'll see each other again.
Pippin: Sob
Gandalf: Show us the meaning of haste, Shadowfax!
Pippin: NOOO!
(Merry runs to the tower and watches the horse fly, Gandalf and Pippin in tow, his face cracks into a chortle)
Merry: Stupid bastard...it was only a fucking football with double sided sellotape on it....too fucking easy....now I can have all his tobacco, AND his bread...tosser!
(Does the old coffee beans sign at the dissapearing horse, Aragorn shakes his head wearily)
Submitted by Neil Stills
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