Media Frenzy

As ashamed as I am to admit it, I actually used to have a tabloid newspaper delivered to my home on a daily basis. Hey - I was young, I didn't know better! Before long, I realised that the only thing I used to actually look at was the TV guide, and I only ever glimpsed at the other pages, having already realised it would be impossible to filter through the crap. However, since starting my new job, I've been viewing tabloid newspapers on a more regular basis again as they are left in the break areas, and I thought that they might be enough to distract my mind from the monotony of work.

<*dv_4*> Well, it seems that little changes. The same things that used to piss me off about tabloid newspapers, and the media in general, remain prominent in what is supposed to be a newspaper. Forgive me for being nave, but I thought the whole purpose of a newspaper could be explained in its name. Let's break it down: the word is simply "news" plus "paper." It doesn't take a genius to figure out that a newspaper is supposed to be the "news" on "paper." Now I would have thought that even the lowest forms of life that roam this country, namely the Labour Party, would be intelligent enough to fathom this.

<*dv_2*> It isn't just the traditional tabloid newspapers that carry this problem, but they are among the worst of the worst. So why is it that newspapers contain relatively nothing to do with anything that could actually be deemed news?

Don't believe me? Just open up any one of Britain's more popular national newspapers, and you'll find enough evidence to prove my point. I would say, on average, a newspaper contains one-third news, and two-thirds crap - that's crap in a two-to-one ratio!

There always seems to be "news" on the latest childish argument in the House of Commons and there are often thought-provoking articles on the George Bush/Tony Blair romance, provoking thoughts such as, "when they get married, whose surname will they use?" Aside from this "news," we get treated to biased articles about the latest tragedies, with each paper vying for the honour of using the most emotional approach. I commend them for trying to save me time by telling me what to think, but really, all I asked for was the news. Even though it seems to be more opinion than fact, at least the majority of this content can actually be classed as news.

<*dv_5*> It's after the first few pages of news that we get to the area that I have the biggest problem with: the general crap section. Here is where you're likely to find sensational stories about ridiculous things that no one really cares about. You'll see headlines such as "Man Weds Donkey," or you might even see something more horrific, such as "Man Weds Jordan." The worst thing of all is that these articles are far more newsworthy than the rest of the newspaper's content in this general crap section.

<*dv_1*> The only other things we see in the general crap section are pointless articles and pictorials showing celebrities at their worst. You know the type of thing I'm talking about: pictures of celebrities bending over, or looking windswept, or looking bad after a night out, or just normal pictures of Geri Halliwell - the type of pictures no one wants to see. And of course, these pointless pictures will not only take up one third, or one half of a page, but they'll be accompanied by stupid little articles with supposedly clever captions and "humour." I even saw a picture of Vanessa Feltz working out with her personal trainer, wearing gym clothes - why in God's name would anyone want to see this? If I wanted to see something that fat exercise, I'd go to Japan and watch some Sumo Wrestling! Then we get to read articles on the latest celebrity to come out of the closet, or admit that they're addicted to drugs. We get to see in-depth articles on celebrities that are famous for no apparent reason, such as Jodie Marsh and Tara Palmer-Whatever. Why are we seemingly rewarding stupidity?

<*dv_6*> It seems that all you have to do to become famous nowadays is humiliate yourself through embarrassing public behaviour. With this in mind, I have to wonder why I'm not a megastar by now, but I don't want to stray from my point.

After you've passed the TV Guide and the Stars, you're left with finance - which I have no particular problem with - and then the women's section. Here is where we find articles on cheap alternatives to looking fashionable, such as Blue Peter-esque do-it-yourself dresses, and dieting tips where they try to convince you that you can lose weight by eating a combination of chocolate and cardboard. I fail to see how this could interest anyone, but if it keeps the women happy, I have no problem with it.

Then all that's left is the sport, which is great if you're a football fan. However, if you happen to be interested in a sport other than football, you'd be better looking elsewhere. Although in fairness, rugby's getting a lot of coverage at the moment, but that's only because it looks as though England actually stand a chance of winning something for once. With this in mind, keep your eyes open for coverage of the World Tiddly-Winks Championship next month, I hear that England's team are a hot pick!

It's safe to say that I won't be subscribing to a newspaper again in the near future. But who am I to criticise when I can't offer a solution? Well, it just so happens that I have the perfect idea of how to save the Great British Newspaper. You see, one of the main problems is that the newspapers all compete so hard to try to outdo each other - capitalism at its best. Now my solution would be to combine all of the nation's newspapers and make one big Super-Paper. Don't worry, I'm not turning Communist on you here, although if it had just been given more of a chance then. No, forget about that for now. What we need to do is merge all of the newspapers into one, but we don't stop here. After the newspaper merger, the time will be right for the Super-Paper to merge with Andrex. Then, at last, Britain's top journalists will finally have their work published in a format that is suitable for the nation to enjoy. It's not that people don't already use their work for this purpose, but wouldn't it be nice to feel the softer touch of two-ply rubbing against your butt-cheeks as you enjoy the latest edition of The Sun?

<*dv_0*> Newspapers are just one area of the media that frustrate me, but they are among some of the worst offenders. However, please don't be offended if you are an avid reader of the Daily Star - it was not my intention to offend. But if this is the case, then maybe I can redeem myself by offering you a helpful suggestion: cancel your subscription and save the 30p a day that you'd normally reserve for a copy of your favourite tabloid newspaper. Keep saving, and maybe one day you'll have enough to buy an actual life. Now wouldn't that be nice?




Lee

 

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