| | Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Hell:
A Guide To Dating The Woman | Ah, women. Can't live with them... Can't live without them. Can't release them into the wild to be hunted for sport. What's a man to do? It's hard to play the dating game when women keep changing the rules, so you're left with two choices: either turn gay or take your chances with The Woman. Well, dating
The Woman has never been as easy as it is now, with my complete guide to dating The Woman.
You have to break it down into a number of fundamental steps. The steps are simple enough to learn, but difficult to master. Don't be in too much of a hurry to put these steps into practice with an actual woman - you might want to practice with male friends, but try to make sure that these aren't male friends that decided to opt for choice number one, instead of choice number two, or this could lead to awkward, uncomfortable and painful situations.
Step number one is the approach. Approaching women isn't as hard as it may seem at first. You have to remember that women love a guy with confidence. But don't despair if you lack confidence. Women also love a guy with money, so if you are a little short in the confidence department, you might want to
think about taking on an extra part-time job or selling a kidney on the black market - whatever it takes to make sure that you're wearing enough jewellery and expensive cologne to not only look and smell like a Class A arsehole, but to make women think that you're so rich, it doesn't matter how fat and bald you are.
<*dv_0*> Of course, it's no good walking the walk if you don't have the moves to accompany the strut. All you need is one sure-fire move to initiate first contact. It doesn't have to be impressive or profound; it just needs to be enough to make sure that they're paying attention to you. Suggestions would include "accidentally" dropping your "Porsche" keys as you walk by, giving you the opportunity to bend down and pick up the keys, drawing as much attention as possible to the word "Porsche" written on the keys and allowing The Woman to check out the merchandise at the same time as you bend over. If you try this one, there are a couple of things you need to remember. Firstly, while owning a Porsche is not a prerequisite to pulling off this move, few women will fall for a set of keys that have a piece of paper with
<*dv_3*> the word, "Poorsh" crudely written in biro taped to them. Be creative: there are plenty of ways that you can acquire a set of Porsche keys without actually purchasing the car. Check lost and found's, steal them from legitimate Porsche owners, etc. Secondly, if your "merchandise" is not worth bragging about, i.e. when you bend over, you block out the sunlight, don't spend too much time displaying that merchandise.
A successful approach will lead you to step two: the first date. The first date is always a crap shoot, but there are several key things to remember that could improve your chances of success. Remember not to pay too much attention to The Woman as she talks about herself. Just smile and nod when you think it's appropriate. The reason for doing this is because at some point, The Woman will test you to see how much of the information you have retained. Their only reason for testing you is so that they can catch you out - if you let them win straight away, they'll feel a sense of achievement and you'll have made them happy. If you do find yourself paying attention, be warned: never, ever, have the audacity to question anything they say. Even if you know they're wrong about something - be it a factual titbit or
<*dv_1*> something as simple as what day of the week it is - if you correct them, you'll be going home a lonely man. Above all else remember, ignorance is bliss. Another thing to remember is that when The Woman questions you, be as evasive as possible. Women like mystery, and they also like talking. If you give away too much information, you're depriving them of valuable talk-time and you're slowly unravelling that mystery.
If you make it to step three, subsequent dates, you're doing well. But even if you find yourself at date number ten, you're not out of the woods yet. You still haven't made it to step number four.
Arriving at step four is the biggest challenge of all, because as you go on date after date, you have to remember that you're battling the deadliest enemy of them all: the female mind. The easiest way to make it through is to remember that each date is in fact a battle. You may lose the occasional battle and still be able to fight at the next one, but it will take everything you have to win the war.
<*dv_2*> Winning a battle is by no means an easy feat, but it is attainable. You just have to maintain that balance between being interested and disinterested. If you show that you're too keen, The Woman will lose interest in you. If you start to fall asleep while you're supposed to be in the middle of the
conversation, The Woman will think that you're not interested at all. There's a thin line between the two, but if you work hard enough, you can accomplish it.
If you keep on winning battle after battle, The Woman will eventually pull out the white flag and you'll know that you've won the war and made it to step four - the capture.
Step four is the step when you finally get to go to bed with The Woman. But while you're thanking your lucky stars and praying that your equipment doesn't fail you on this magical night, keep in mind that you haven't officially seized power in the dating game until you successfully complete step four. The key word here is PREPARATION. You have to be both physically and mentally ready to pull off the performance of a lifetime. If you make the first time special enough, you can take a more relaxed attitude to subsequent encounters because they'll already have memories of the first time.
As long as you are both satisfied that step four has been completed successfully, you can finally seize power from The Woman. All you have to remember is one simple speech that will place the ball directly in your court. It goes something like this: "Listen, (Insert The Woman's Name), I think you're great, and I really enjoyed tonight. But I've got to be completely honest with you - I'm not ready for a full-on commitment. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to carry on seeing you, but I think we should keep
this on a casual level."
That speech is all you need. From that point on, The Woman will do everything in her power to make you fall in love with her. She'll see you as a challenge, and like a Pit-bull on the leg of a post man, she won't let go of it until you're hers. Harsh? Yes, it is. But the key to having a successful relationship with The Woman is to remember this: "Treat them mean, keep them keen." You now have all the power in the world. You can be late, and she won't mind. You can make inappropriate statements and she'll
defend you, even before a court of law. You can dress like a slob, and you'll still be wonderful in her eyes.
It's at this stage when you can start to unravel the mystery, piece by piece. You can finally let her get to know the real you. And it's here that true love can develop, for you have tamed The Woman once and for all.
<*dv_4*> I hope you've enjoyed my guide to dating The Woman. E-mail me if you're interested in purchasing my instructional DVD on this topic, priced at only 19.99. Buy now and you'll receive my self-help pamphlet, "So Your Wife Has Gained 7-Stone And Grown A Beard - What Now?" and a limited edition T-shirt, all for an extra 5.99. Hurry while stocks last.
Lee
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