My blind neighbour is scared of the dark.
<*dv_4*> It's a pain in the arse, not least because he's trained his guide-dog to bark when it's dark so that he knows.
<*dv_5*> So I'm not sleeping.
I tried using Nytol but I just wound up tossing and turning in bed all night wondering why they'd put the "may cause drowsiness" notice on the box.
I tried counting sheep but I'm phobic, and kept waking up in a cold sweat.
My Welsh Uncle Thomas said he had a similar problem but carefully explained that it was a little bit different, and now my mum doesn't speak with him anymore.
My granddad fought in World War One, in the Highlanders. He's four hundred and eighty-eight years old.
I sent my dog to a special training centre. Now he's one of those blind dogs. He wouldn't behave himself so they poked him in the eyes with a stick.
<*dv_2*> I'm often asked "is the pope a catholic?" To which I reply "I'm not sure." The truth is, I'm not even convinced that he's awake. I think the popemobile is being controlled remotely, a ventriloquist is doing the speeches and his hand is being operated using string and pulleys. My theory is that he actually died some time ago but being the most holy man in the world nobody wants to say anything in case he comes back.
<*dv_0*> How many proverbialists does it take to change a light bulb?
Many:
Many hands make light work.
<*dv_1*> Of course my neighbour wasn't always blind. Happened one day while he was walking through a field. A crop duster came out of nowhere and sprayed the entire field with pesticide, blinding him there and then.
He didn't see that coming.
Didn't see it going either.
I managed to solve the problem posed by the barking guide dog: I strapped a torch to its head while the neighbour wasn't looking.
It wasn't difficult.
That was three days ago; since then, with the guide dog silenced, I've been sleeping soundly every night.
As opposed to my blind neighbour, who still thinks it's Monday.
Submitted by Phil irving
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