Saturday night and I am sat at home: repeated reconnaissance of the TV schedules has failed to find anything worth watching. I channel hop; barely able to stay with any programme for more than five minutes before it reminds me of all the reasons why I should be doing something else. But there, amongst the turgid dross: salvation. Thatll Be Alright On The Night 16 with Dennis Norden.
Over the years Dennis and I have developed a deep bond. OK, maybe its a little one sided because Dennis doesnt even know I exist but he has seen me through some of my lowest moments. As some Saturday night stuck indoors stretches out in front of me like some kind of social purgatory he has appeared as a beacon of hope in the TV schedules. The man is a god.
There are many pretenders to his throne. Penk, Beadle, Riley, Wilkes, Tarrant, Carrot, Brand, even Jim fucking Davidson have all attempted to grab a piece of the clip show pie. All have failed to usurp the undisputed king of the outtake.
He has been there throughout my life as a constant reassuring presence. Just how long has Norden been doing this? There hardly seems a time when he wasnt presenting this programme. Just what number are they up to now? Its like those Now Music compilations. ITV have even resorted to tagging the programme name with `All New to reassure confused viewers that they cant have seen this one before.
So how has Norden managed to avoid the fickle axe of fashion? First you have to look at the format. With Norden there is no flannel, no gimmicks. He stands alone on an empty stage: the only thing to register the passing years is the gruesome blinking neon sign denoting what programme they are now up to. It cant date. Just like the man himself.
For the last 20 years Norden appears to have been in his mid 70s. Is he cryogenically frozen between programmes? Thawed out by ITV top brass whenever an hours worth of top quality TV outtakes has been assembled.
He is one of the most underrated comedians of our time. Just check out the clipboard he tantalisingly waves around. Teasing you: as if you might, for once, be able to see whats written on it. Could anyone else get so much mileage out of a piece of reinforced cardboard?
Then there is the genius of his faltering, semi-stuttering delivery. Something charmingly endearing in the way he drops into a confessional tone of voice before uttering the words cock up: as if its terribly naughty.
The real reason though for Nordens enduring reign as the clip king are his links. Whereas most presenters try to use these moments as a desperate showcase for their dubious talents, Norden has polished his to an art form. Sample this brilliantly sustained metaphor, There is no area of TV that employs as many highly polished performers as the soaps, but as with all things highly polished youve got to expect the occasional slip, so stand by for some slipping on the soap.
He can do Confucius like advice, As my old uncle used to say, you never know how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
Or poetry; describing actors memory lapses as the moments, When the windmills of your mind go motionless.
Despite his consummate professionalism, and the prime time stage for his genius Norden is sadly under appreciated. When I confessed to colleagues that I admired him I was shouted down, That old codger! It is an opinion I fear is shared by his employers; judging from the NHS spectacles and out-dated jackets he wears. Yet on he troops, unwearied by the lack of recognition for his talent. The embodiment of the optimism captured in the programmes title.
There was never a doubt. Thatll be alright on the night.
*Not that he's dead or anything
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