On mother's day this year I decided to make the effort to spend it with my mum. I've been out of the country or living elsewhere usually so I thought for a change I would grace her with my presents.
She drives me nuts, as all mothers do. She criticises everything I do and wear, most of my life choices and all my career ones. Despite all this I love her to death. Although I do have a sneaking suspicion she hates all four of her children. Nothing outwardly obvious because that would cause suspicion but the more I think about it the more I am convinced.
<*dv_0*> One of my first memories ( I was still in a push chair so I must have been all of 3 or 4) is being taken by my mum to the local fair. The kind that have the carnies dressed as cartoon characters i.e. Mickey Mouse etc. They go around terrorising toddlers and then posing for photos as the poor little souls scream for mercy. This idiot of a guy (dressed as Yogi) pretends to sit on me and I start crying and won't stop. Instead of trying to comfort me my mum comes out with "don't be so stupid it's only a bear".
Oh yeah sorry mum it's only a 7 foot man eating machine trying to sit on my tiny little lap I don't know what I was thinking of getting all hysterical like that, bring on the flesh ripping games. Maybe if she had said, "Hey look it's a man dressed as a bear" or something like that, she'd have been able to stop me crying before I threw up all myself and Yogi. Around four or five years of age, when all the other kids were getting jabbed endlessly with this vaccine and that god-sent cure, my mum along with a few other mad mums in our street decided it was all a conspiracy by the government and that we were not to be included. Against all the advice of doctors, teachers etc they decided to let us form our own defenses. So if there was a sick kid within 300 yards of our house my mum would have them over (abduct them) and encourage the spreading of what ever filthy disease they had. She would have things called chicken pox parties, and go around making us all hold hands and share jelly. The only outcome of this hippie-esque lifestyle was that I contracted whooping cough and actually died on the way to the hospital. So much for the natural defenses of a 4 year old. Unfortunately for my mother, heaven spat me out and I ended up back here.
A few months later after getting my tongue stuck on the ice of the ice box, she left me there while she laughed hysterically and went to get a neighbour to share the giggles with. I mean does that sound like a caring mother to you? When I disappeared for 4 hours, instead of running and greeting me with sobs of relief. She beat me. For every word she said she hit me and she had a lot to say, believe me. I have endless memories like this.
Why have children if that's the way you feel about them? I'm the last of four so it's not like she didn't know what was coming. When my brother was born he had a lot of trouble with the formation of bones in his feet and so spent 6 years of his life with both legs in casts. If he was being difficult and stressing my mum out she would carry him out to the garden and leave him there while she finished the washing. When you talk to her about this, she laughs and says "well he couldn't go anywhere so he was safe"...
As a result of this periodic 'raise yourself attitude' I have about as much maternal instinct as a turtle, (as in not much). When I see kids falling over I laugh and fake concern if there are people around.
It does mean I'm a little more relaxed about this parental lark than most. I don't freak out if the school calls and tells me my son is ill. I wait till I get there and assess the situation myself. I must seem laid back and, possibly irresponsible, but it's not that. I think there are so many actual problems and things to worry about when having kids that there really isn't any point freaking out about the stuff you can't change and won't kill or injure them. I enjoy the time I spend with him and a little dirt or vomit never hurt anyone. So maybe my mum had a point?
Except the vaccination thing, could have done without the visit to an oxygen tent.
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