I hope I die before I get old, wrote Pete Townsend. I advocate a modified form of this idea, namely: I hope other people die before they get old.
Old people are a menace, the new evil, if you will and the only solution is compulsory slaughter at birth. If youre not yet convinced, here is my manifesto against old people:
1. They Smell
Anyone with grandparents will bear this out. Something about passing the age of 60 means you must adopt new aroma, a heady blend of TCP, lavender soap and urine. Naturally, this makes the statement: Come here, and give your grandmother a kiss a terrifying one.
2. Everyone Who is Anyone, Died Young
<*dv_1*> Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Elvis, Janis Joplin, Nick Drake, James Dean and Kurt Cobain all died young. The conclusion is clear: if you want to be cool, you should pop your clogs before the age of 40 preferably in a drug, car crash or cheeseburger-related incident.
3. Theyre Boring
Why, no! You havent told me the story of how you met grandpa Admittedly, the story was mildly charming when you heard it the first forty times. Now its starting to grate a bit.
4. Theyre Sanctimonious
Old people will never let you forget that they won the war. They use this as an excuse for anything, from demands for pension increases and tax concessions, to pushing into supermarket queues.
Other gripes include variations on the following:
1) People have no morals anymore (I remember when everyone could leave their front door unlocked), and
2) Things are too expensive (Eee, thats almost 6 shillings! In the old days, I could get a pound of broken biscuits for that and still have change left over for a hang glider)
5. They like Rubbish Music
Perry Como, Shirley Bassey, and Dean Martin are Not as good as Aphex Twin, The Darkness or The Prodigy. You should ram this point home with persistent argument. If they bring up the Beatles, change the subject quickly.
6. Theyre No Good at Football
This point is self-evident. They do, however, make good goalposts.
7. They Really Smell
See point 1.
8. They Run the Country
Old people vote in record numbers, approximately twice as much as the 18 to 30 range which would be fine if they werent a bunch of right-wing, reactionary bigots. Theyre an enemy to any form of progress. The long reign of the Thatcher government, fox hunting and Jim Davidson are testament to this.
<*dv_0*>9. They Always Remind You of How Better Life was in The Old Days
The terrible thing is, theyre probably right.
10. Im Going to Become One
Arrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Piece submitted by Sam
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