<*dv_5*> Peter Andre doing
<*dv_1*> what he does best
| | <*dv_3*>OK, Youre a Celebrity.
(Now Bog Off Out of Here) | <*dv_2*>I broke my self-imposed reality TV amnesty to watch Im a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Im really glad I did, because it was some quality television. Peter Andres attempts to pull Jordan reminded me of some my own pathetic exploits, while Jennie Bonds stiff upper lip British-ness during her trials made me feel oddly patriotic. Lord Brockets turn as the shows seedy old perv was hysterical. And its good to know that you can still paralyse Daily Mail readers with a well placed swear word. (Incidentally, other than Shameless, John Lydon calling the British public fucking cunts on national TV is my favourite moment on the idiot box in years.)
So, after two and a half years of not watching reality TV, I was pleasantly surprised. It wasnt as bad as I remembered. It was only in the ensuing weeks that I realised what it was the bugged me so much. After giving it some thought, I think Ive cracked it. I think I might, just might, be able to make the world a nicer place for cynics like me. You see, while these no-marks are cracking entertainment for two weeks, when theyre splashed over every magazine, newspaper and TV chat show in the land spouting off they become irritating. It seems to me that we should only be resurrecting their careers for the duration of the show. Im absolutely delighted Kerry Massive Jugs McFadden won the show, but now Id really like her to bog off back to her mansion and sort out Bryans chip butties. I dont want to see her any more; she served her purpose and kept me out of the pub a few nights a week.
Likewise, since the show ended, Ive seen through Jordan and Peter Andre as easily as intelligent people see through George Bush. Take one washed up, talentless (but mainly inoffensive) pop star and pair him with a pumped up airhead famous for fucking footballers. Sprinkle with romance and simmer for two weeks. Voila! You have two ready-made careers. I may be over cynical, but I have frightening images of the two of them hatching a fiendish masterplan as soon as they met up.
Mysterious Girl is being re-released for Christs sake! Wake up Britain, you know that was the second worst song of the Nineties (the worst being Informer by Snow). Meanwhile, Katie Price has ditched Jordan and glamour modelling for good. Shes all over the pages of Heat, OK and Hello telling us all about it. How much money are these two going to make from their little holiday romance? Oh, and Jordan? I give it three months love, and then youll be back on the cover of Loaded quicker than I can say silicone. In the days following Im a Celebrity we had Alex Bests awful documentary about living with George, Kerry McFadden on every single front page and Lord Brocket touted as a possible replacement for Kilroy. As well as Andres re-release, theres also talk of a Mike Reid/Brocket duet on In The Jungle! Interesting fact: every single contestant contacted the organisers of the Brits with offers to present awards.
<*dv_4*> While all this is going on, Channel Five weigh in with possible the worst television programme ever made: Back to Reality. A show populated by people who have appeared on reality TV shows, BTR is so bad I destroyed every TV in my house after watching five minutes; even then I was still left with the frightening memory of Maureen from Driving School pole dancing.
<*dv_0*> What we have here backs up a theory Ive held for a while, that of the Reality TV Loop. For whatever reason, the public takes a shine to the star of a crappy reality show and they are granted a career and D-list celebrity status. However, the newly appointed celeb feels compelled to maintain their standing, and agrees to appear on any show thatll have them. Prime example. The producers of Celebrity Fit Club desperately need another famous bloater to balance out the scales. They turn to Alison Hammond, who gained her celebrity status on Big Brother 3 (not, as I thought, as a body double for the big blue dude out of Monsters Inc).
It has got to stop. How are we going to get any genuine talent or charisma on our TV screens if we allow the RTVL to keep going? Whats going to happen to all the quality program makers who MUST be out there in TV land? How many more tellies do I have to destroy? Someone set a precedent: the stars of a reality show are only allowed careers for the duration of said show, then they have to disappear back to whatever desolate corner of Britain they come from. Big Brother 5? Cool, youve got eight weeks. Then fuck off back to the soft furnishings department of your local Debenhams. Im a Celebrity? Youve got two weeks chummy, then its back to after dinner speeches at the Royal Legion in Swindon (second on the bill to Bob Carolgees).
One last word on the subject and it goes to Joe Public. More specifically, those of you who voted for Peter Andre. I hope youre all happy next week when Mysterious Girl hits number one. I hope you can hold your heads up high. And I hope, for your sakes, that ITV doesnt comply with my request for a list of phone voters and their numbers. Because if that Aussie twat has a second number one with Insania, Im coming looking for every last one of you!
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