<*dv_2*>Look at the kitten. Don't read the nasty writing, just look at the kitten. | | Expect Pain and Bleeding | Pah!
Don't you just lurve that disclaimer so cheerily given out by members of the medical fraternity prior to doing something clearly and obviously unpleasant to you. It must be the first thing old Hippocrates thought of before knocking out his oath.
So what self imposed horror did I let myself in for? Well, lets say when most gents learn the true meaning of the words 'Flexible cystoscopy' they will immediately grab their meat 'n' veg and start wincing like a striker set to deflect a Beckham free kick with their nuts.
The *FC is a two foot long piece of cable twixt there is a camera and a saline drip. Its only about the width of a chunky pen but when it is about to be jovially shoved into my urethra, it takes on a behemoth feel and look! If you've ever had the full range of GU tests then I now find it laughable blokes get all scared about a tiny swab down the jap. I've had that done (No! I have got no nasties in any shape or form either! Just so you know!) and I barely felt it. Blood taking freaks me out more!
So anyway. The urologist asks me what's wrong ( I got kicked pretty badly in Thai boxing a few years ago hence a lot of recent scar tissue related pain) and then uttered the title of my article.
So gown on, hoisted onto a table and I'm swabbed round the jewels. I'm then informed that an anaesthetic gel is going to be squirted in and it "may burn". Fuck me! He's not joking! Then suddenly, without letting the gel have a chance to work moreso, he starts feeding the cam in. Now the sensation is hard to describe because of the gel but that gel only worked for the first inch and there were more inches to get past *winks cheekily* but I could feel it until he got to my perineum (The bit between your tea towel holder and spuds) then there was an unbelievably sharp and searing pain through my whole body. I started freaking out on the table. Guess what he just punctured through? Thats right! My prostate!
Apparently this is ' standard procedure ' so he can get at my bladder. I can tell you now kids that I'm pretty sure that getting botty burgled must hurt far less and if gay men really believe that the prostate is the male G spot, then they want to experience it getting punctured! They'd feel differently about it!
So we arrive at my bladder and he starts squeezing on the bag of saline. Its like waiting all day for a piss. You know that belt undoing tension where you just feel that you are about to wet yourself at any second and the rate my poor old bladder was being filled and drained I felt like someone was jumping on my abdomen. All this time the doc has one hand firmly round my shaft while peering down the cam. I had become a cock telescope if you will!
Then he whipped it out, to a Vesuvius fountain of water and proclaimed that he could see nothing wrong with me. Great.
<*dv_0*> So off I went to the changing room feeling uncomfortably full. There was only a sink in this room and I knew I had no choice. That's right ladies! I did what you only expect of men - I pissed in the sink! And what a shock...
<*dv_1*> I was pissing blood. Lots of blood. Then the flow ceased and strange, loud gurgling sound preceded bits of flesh, tissue and clots erupting forth. More blood later I managed to get dressed and go. Two days this went on for and now thankfully everything is ok.
Why am I telling you this? Well I read loads of articles about this procedure and they negated to mention the truth. Forewarned is always forearmed I say!
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