They're Playing Our Song, Darling

Advance warning, dear reader: this piece may well degenerate into a mindless bout of swearing and spitting. I'm going to have a dig at a tiny, TINY part of the population; yet it's the part that probably annoys me the most (yep, even more than Westlife fans). So if the air turns bluer than a halftime ruck between Alex Ferguson, Roy Keane and Man United's new Tourettes-afflicted goalie, at least you're prepared.

You see, I go to quite a few gigs. I think it's a fine way to get rid of some hard earned cash. Loud music, overpriced beer and lots of sweaty young ladies adds up to a good night in my book. But there's a small gig sub-culture who spoil my experience every single time. The 'I-Love-You-Couples'. The people who decide to pay good money to go and see live music, then stand there and gaze at each other all night. They miss most of the set because they're snogging extravagantly. Each to there own, but do they have to stand RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME? Normally I'd leave these people to it, or at least throw beer over them until they moved and I could see the band again. But last night I saw easily the most annoying ILYC I've ever seen. So I'm outing the whole lot of them, in the hope that you people will start hounding ILYCs out of our live venues.

A few nights back I went to see The Thrills. I've heard a couple of songs and I think they're OK. Besides, the ticket was a tenner and they had two support bands. That's damn good value. Except, I didn't get to see much of The Thrills. I paid a tenner to watch two support bands and the back of someone's head. Because this grinning fool and his stunted missus decided to grope each other, all the way through the gig, right in front of me. Except during 'One Horse Town', when they spent three and a half minutes smiling sweetly at each other and pogo-ing up and down on my feet. You can't hit girls, its very bad, but I came so close last night. I wanted to grab the pair of them, knock their heads together and scream: "There's other people in this club besides you two fucksticks!" It was just the most selfish behaviour I've ever seen in my life. During one particularly prolonged bout of snogging, this couple actually leant back and rested on my mates shoulder! He isn't as restrained as me; he loudly proclaimed that he was going to piss on them and they moved (although they barely broke their lip-lock).

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not a bitter, twisted old cynic. I'm a cynic yeah, but in no way bitter. If you want to go with the person you love to see some live music by a band you love then that's wicked. But please, PLEASE try and keep the public displays of affection to a minimum. Especially if it stops other people from watching the band! Tons of people go to gigs and get stoned, they've never stopped me from watching the show. Same for the pissheads. If either of these groups gets in your way you can just push them gently, or ask them to move. I-Love-You-Couples are completely oblivious to everyone around them. They're too wrapped up in each other to notice the angry short bloke behind them, the one whose struggling to see the band because of their sub-Channel 5 writhing! 

The really annoying thing is that I'm sure I'm the only person who suffers. My friends and I have been ILYC spotting for years, ever since some lanky indie kid started sucking face with his missus at a Bluetones gig in '95. This guy was over six foot. So was his girlfriend, but she topped six in diameter if you know what I mean. Between the two of them they must have blocked the view of twenty people. But only my friend and I said anything. Everyone else just didn't seem bothered. Er, people? YOU PAID GOOD MONEY TO SEE THE BAND! Not Lurch and Cousin It sucking face. 

And it's not just at gigs by jangly indie bands either. Last month a particularly hairy couple stood in front of me and played touch tonsil at a Queens of the Stone Age show in Brixton. I remember a couple frantically facing off in front of Faith No More several years ago. That one was a secret gig. Only 200 people got in to see it. What a fucking waste of a secret show. The best ILYC spot I ever made was at a Beastie Boys gig. I don't know if you're aware, but the mosh pit at a Beasties gig is pretty intense. Lots of slam dancing and shoving. Great fun, honest. But there, at Wembley in '98, - in the middle of 'Sabotage' for crying out loud - was the dearest, sweetest couple of teenagers you've ever seen. All big glasses and baggy tees, sucking face and clinging to each other as though their lives depended on it. 

I'm not a prude, and I'm not a jaded old git. But fucking hell, there's a time and a place. The train journey home maybe? An alley? Upstairs in the balcony out of mine and everyone else's way? Somewhere where you haven't just paid twenty quid to get in and another four for a warm can of Carling? Going to a gig isn't like sitting in the back row at the cinema. Its not like you can say: "Yeah, it was OK, but I nodded off halfway through." It's an event goddamnit. Its rock and roll. Did people snog wildly in front of Elvis shows? Or when The Clash hit the stage? Do you think people played tongue hockey when Hendrix set his guitar on fire? Actually, they probably did. But that's because they were all off their skulls on acid.

And all you people reading this who think I'm going off on one for no reason: you'll start to see them too. Honest you will. It might be next week, it might be next year. But eventually a night of music will be ruined for you due to a couple of spotty herberts in front of you. And you'll remember reading this, and you'll think: "Damn, that Booger fella was right all along!" I'll gladly accept beer as a thank you. 

Oh yeah, The Thrills were pretty lame live. We left halfway through and found a pub that sold 5.9% Icelandic beer. Very nice it was too. 

Submitted by Booger

 

Back to front