Grant: Have a word, please
| | Cleaning Up the Artistic Roll Call
(An Open letter to Richard E. Grant) | Dear Sir,
Bill Hicks once said: If you do a commercial youre off the artistic roll call for ever. He then went on to forgive Willie Nelson due to Willies huge tax bill. Fair enough I suppose, but whats YOUR excuse?
Yeah thats right DICKIE, Im calling you out! What are those Argos adverts all about my good man?
Seriously, I really would like to know. The first one was vaguely annoying; the ones after made me want to leave the room. But these Christmas ones are driving me to despair. Theyre not funny, theyre not endearing and they certainly arent good fucking acting. Theyre rubbish, theyre annoying and they dont make me want to shop at Argos at all. I can understand you doing Spiceworld to keep the kids happy, but the fucking Argos adverts have to stop. That Zak creation is simply the pits. What happened when you sat down to do the ad with Ruby Wax and Harry Enfield? What did you think to yourself? I bet it wasnt: This is it. As an actor I have reached my creative peak. I can go no higher. Selling cheap Christmas shit for Argos is better than a standing ovation or an Oscar any day.
I can understand (but not condone) that pillock Jamie Oliver doing Sainsburys - after all he does actually work with food. Mel & Sue plugging Kingsmill or Adam & Joe selling washing powder are both easy to explain: these people used to be funny and are desperate to revive flagging careers. Linda Barker doing every household appliance ad is easy too. Shes just an idiot. Last time I looked, Richard, you were a very intelligent, talented, actor. So one more time: WHY THE ARGOS ADVERTS?
I really dont understand it. It cant be as simple as them throwing a pile of money at you and you saying: Fuck it, I dont need to read the script. Were doing 197 of these you say? Well good, thatll pay for gold taps in the en-suite.
Did they offer to sort you out with your Christmas shopping for free? Are all your friends going to get a job lot of George Foreman fat-fryers for only 49.95? I just cant figure this out. Every time I try I start spasming and fold up like Stephen Hawking.
Dickie, mate, you dont need to do this. Re-release Withnail &I and do an audio commentary. Phone Richard Curtis or Hugh Grant and try for a part in Love Actually at Four Weddings in Notting Hill. Fuck it, e-mail via the site and well go through the situations vacant together, see if we can find you some extra cash that way. But stop doing those adverts, or Ill be forced to track you down and get Helga, my German wrestling teacher, to slap you round the face with an Argos catalogue till you see sense.
Kind regards,
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