Science is a strange old thing, stranger than a dancing pixie in the juicy girth of a baboon's anal orifice. And yet not so. And yet so. For science may be odd but it is true. You can't argue with that.
HE AIN'T TALKIN' SHITE YOU KNOW
Science is misunderstood to the point of misunderstanding. Many things have we learned but much also have we forgotten. Old Wives are smart and their tails wise - oh yes, they know their onions and no mistake. Why are wise people called sages? Answer: because Old Wives use sage in almost every dish, and Old Wives are very, very wise. Like Owls.
DEBUNK THE SPUNK
Here, facts previously considered as myths are demythologised: the myth behind the myth exposed as a plump, luscious truth, like uncovering a box of ripe cherries you never knew you had and then popping them to find the stone of knowledge within. I like popping cherries and I want to pop yours.
So read on and learn.
This week, we shall be investigating the age old household pastime known as WANKING -
MASTURBATION MAKES YOU BLIND
Long since dismissed as a phallacy, this is a SCIENCE FACT. If you are male and partial to solo sex, be warned. A bishop bashed by your own fair hand till red raw is a sure sign of imminent blindness, as Ray Charles found out to his cost. Here's why.
YOU'RE GETTING ON MY NERVES YOU TIT
Your body is an intricate network of nerves and hormonal feedback systems. It is more intricate than the most intricate of intricate Persian rugs. If you were to lay all your body's nerves end to end they would stretch around the earth four times, make a trip to the moon and back, and go around the world again. Twice. Yes, there are that many of them. So it's hardly surprising that they may conflict with each other from time to time, as they do in every male's body at two crucial junctions: the hand and the penis.
WANKER'S DOOM
Friction on the penis alone is harmless and often pleasurable. Friction on the hand alone is similarly nothing to worry about. But friction on both at the same time leads to an involuntary hormonal relapse in the optical tactillian cerrebremumum nodenols in the brain (more commonly known as IHRITOTCNITB syndrome) and triggering this too often sends a message to your retinas telling them to slowly melt. And thus gradual blindness sets in.
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE YOU WANKER
So all you men out there, beware. Next time you're fit to burst, keep that overactive wrist away. Instead get someone else to satisfy your needs, or rub up against a bit of cloth or something. I know someone who used to get imaginative with his erection, his cat and some potted meat. Whatever you decide, remember this: next time you're randy, don't get handy. It's just not worth it.
Submitted by Colly
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