Well, it's that time of the year again. A time full of hope, excitement and good cheer. A time for understanding and forgiveness. A time for celebration. That's right; it's the time of the year when we all pretend to be Christians so that people will give us presents - Christmas. It's a wonderful time. A time to be thankful - thankful that Christmas only happens once a year. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with the presents part, it's some of the other Christmas traditions that turn my stomach.
One of the first things that spring to mind is carol singing. For this reason alone, people should be permitted to have guns in their homes at this time of the year. Sure, you can throw eggs, or rocks, or you could even shower them with excrement, but it still doesn't seem like a punishment worthy of the crime. Second only to karaoke singing, carol singing has to be one of the most ridiculous concepts ever invented. Why do they do it? If I wanted to be bothered at home by crap singing and irritating people, I'd let them film Pop Idol at my house.
Another thing that bothers me is Christmas clichs you see in Christmas films and TV specials. You know - snow outside with children making snowmen, happy families indoors enjoying good times around a log fire - crap like that. Tell me, when does this ever happen? Let me paint a more realistic
picture: children sitting, looking miserable because their parents have forced them to wear the horrible Christmas jumpers that arthritic Aunt Sally has knitted them. The rest of the family are at each others' throats as deep and dark secrets are revealed, such as Uncle Eric's transvestite tendencies. And the log fire? The only thing that even comes remotely close to a log fire is when Christmas dinner goes horribly wrong and the turkey catches fire. Now that's Christmas!
Then, of course, we have Christmas decorations. What do Christmas trees actually have to do with Christmas? Am I the only one that sees the stupidity in bringing a tree indoors, so that you can spend hours decorating the tree, only to take it down a few days later and throw the tree away? How can putting tinsel and lights on a tree help you to celebrate the birth of Jesus? Did we miss a part of the story? Did one of the wise men leave his gift behind, so instead of giving Jesus gold, decided to decorate a tree? Then we have people that aren't content with putting up a tree, so they choose to Christmas-up the fronts of their houses too. What do they hope to accomplish by putting lights and plastic Santa's outside their houses, other than to have people walk by and laugh at them and try to sabotage the decorations?
And what about Christmas shopping? I'm not talking about shopping for presents; I'm talking about the panic-buying that takes place at supermarkets in the days leading up to Christmas. In fairness, this happens before every holiday, but it's an important point nonetheless. People go absolutely crazy, as if the shops are never going to be open again. Adults are running round and round in circles, sweating and fearing the worst. Children are screaming and running wild because they're not caged, as they
should be. Then you have the suicidal staff at the checkouts who analyse every single item they process, just in case the product has an edge sharp enough for them to slit their throats. The shops only close for one day! There is no need to buy two tonnes of toilet paper and a lifetime supply of cheese! If you're going to stock up on anything, make it alcohol because this is the time of the year when you need it the most!
There are lots of other things about Christmas that bug me, but if I was to cover them all, we'd still be here next Christmas. Maybe I'm pessimistic, maybe I'm cynical, or maybe I am right in thinking that the
Christmas-celebrating part of this world is crazy. Just think; if you were a Jehovah's Witness, you wouldn't have to put up with any of this! Maybe they're onto something.
Either way, in the true spirit of Christmas, let me leave you all with thismessage: Merry... ah, never mind.
Lee
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