Here in my cunningly converted portaloo-cum-studio, I possess the technology and expertise to do just about anything. I am a brilliant computer hacker from whom no nation, government, company or individual is safe. I spend countless hours intercepting emails, letters, phone calls, memos and generally titting about on the information superhighway as easily as a heron spikes a fish with its bill then eats it. No, even easier than that.
Take a look at these letters I digitally extracted from the cyber-world ether freeway. Look out for the contribution from The Poet Laureate, Ted Hughes, who demonstrates that hes lost none of the spite and bitterness that drove two wives to suicide.
These extracts confirm my suspicion that the majority of middle-income westerners are immersed in a culture of trivia to the extent that wars, injustices and political evils pale in comparison with whats on the telly, in the shops or on the internet. With TV, notice that the blander the programme the greater wrath it incurs. People who get kicks from railing against anodyne media basically want to have sex with their deceased parents, a fact proven years ago by Sigmund Freud, the fucking pervert. So before you fire off angry letters to Points Of View just stop and think about your true inner desires, your inability to reconcile them and why that old picture of mum and dad makes you feel all hot and sticky.
Letter to the BBC from Mr P. Eel, Yorkshire
Sir,
I feel compelled to complain about your daytime cookery programme 'Ready Steady Cook'. It has to be one of the most dishonest pieces of programme-making Ive ever seen. I watched it for the first time last week and was initially rather excited by the prospect of cooking a feast for under a fiver. So I bought the Ready Steady Cook Book (which sported a picture of that lanky cunt Ainsley on the front and cost a small fortune) and legged it to my nearest supermarket. Heres what your publication told me Id need for this "cheap, quick, easy and delicious" chicken meal.
500g chicken, preferably free-range. Cost: 3.50
1 onion Cost: 0.30
4 tomatoes Cost: 0.60
600g potatoes Cost: 0.30
Garlic Cost: 0.22
So far so good. But HANG ON, WHATS THIS....?
4 teaspoons of extra virgin olive oil:
Cost for bottle of oil: 3.69
Unsalted butter for frying:
<*dv_4*> Cost for packet of butter: 1.20
Fresh tarragon:
<*dv_2*> Cost for big fat bunch: 1.70
Fresh basil
Cost for SHITEING basil: 2.20
Half glass white wine
Cost for bottle of Hungarian booze: 4.50
Freshly milled pepper
Cost for pepper mill: 6.99
"Puree the tomatoes, garlic and herbs in a blender," the recipe urged.
<*dv_3*> Cost for food proccessor: 29.99
TOTAL COST: 55.09
This fiddly affair took 40 minutes to prepare and cook and wasnt even that nice. You lying bastards.
Yours
Pumpkin Eel,
Saltly
Leeds
Letter to the BBC
Dear whoever
I fucking hate most of your shit-awful programmes. I particularly loathe that pool of monkey wank Animal Hospital. So heres the deal youre giving me: I pay you over 90 a year; you give me DYING ANIMALS AND AUSTRALIAN NON-ENTITIES. WITH BEARDS. Oh, and more fly-on-the-wall documentaries than there are flies on fuckin' walls. Id rather spend my money on a local strumpet than condescend to your Stalinist demands. In fact, I usually do.
Mike Hunt
Kings Cross
London
<*dv_6*>Letter sent to John Birt, Director General of the BBC
Randy Dogs eat fluffys muff
O<*dv_5*>ld bastard gibbon shits his stuff
Lee the vets a great big poof
Fucking Animal Hospital
In the practice pets are dying
Soppy twat cant stop crying
Arsey titty balls
Calling all you sane execs.
U<*dv_1*>nderstand my ire
Nut him, kick him, break his specs
Then set the cunt on fire.
(Ted Hughes, 1998)
Submitted by Colly
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