Controversial plans to ban smoking in public were thrown into turmoil recently following the arrival of radical MP David Turin-Brakes at Parliament. Mr Turin-Brakes, who represents a patch of Basingstoke in-between two roundabouts, was actually elected to the House of Commons two years ago. When he turned up (just in time for the smoking debate), he blamed his lateness on not being arsed about anything until now.
<*dv_1*> During the debate on smoking, Mr Turin-Brakes presented his idea: banning non-smoking in public. Under his proposal, all pubs, bars and restaurants would be made smoking only venues. Non-smokers would be welcome, but they would have to go outside to do it. Likewise, they would be free to non-smoke in their own homes. Mr Turin-Brakes then produced a petition signed by 2 million smokers, publicans and licensees supporting his proposal. He added to this a petition signed by the 20 million people in the UK who dont actually smoke, but who DO ponce fags off their mates after a few drinks.
Following the predictable outrage that greeted his proposal, Mr Turin-Brakes outlined the benefits if his scheme went ahead. One of the few things people in this country do well, he said, is get absolutely bladdered. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, fancies a ciggie at some stage during a night out. The previously proposed ban on smoking will affect the economy, as people will smoke and drink less. Under my proposal, we will see an immediate increase in tax revenue from fags and booze. My studies show it will be around 800%. That money can go on whatever you like, but I suggest some goes towards cancer treatment on the NHS. And a few quid can be spent on gaffer tape to gag the whining non-smokers out there.
Confronted by the press outside the Commons, Mr Turin-Brakes fielded a barrage of questions with surprising ease. Especially considering the only public speaking he has ever done in the past is as president of the largest chain of burger vans in the country.
<*dv_4*> Asked by a hack from The Sun if he was a smoker, Mr Turin-Brakes replied that he wasnt, but he regularly went on the scrounge after three pints of Lowenbrau. Asked by a fatter, sweatier hack from The Mirror how he thought non-smokers would react to his plan, he had this to say: Exactly the same way as a smoker would react to the news that they would regularly have to interrupt a good night out to stand in the rain and get their fix. Theyd be unhappy. They may well feel persecuted. Im not trying to persecute non-smokers here, Im just responding to my constituents. In New York when a ban on smoking in public was introduced, bars and restaurants saw a marked decrease in takings. I feel that banning non-smoking in public would be far less detrimental to the leisure industry.
A slightly smarter hack from The Express asked why licensed premises couldnt have non-smoking areas. Mr Turin-Brakes commented that theyve had them for years, but non-smokers still kept moaning. He added: Most smokers are decent people and try to keep their smoke away from people who are bothered by it. Non-smokers, on the other hand, feel obliged to bang on about it and ruin the enjoyment of others. Statistics show that if that whinging was confined to the pavement there would be over 300 less fights in pubs every year.
<*dv_3*> A pompous, overblown twat from The Daily Mail commented that Mr Turin-Brakes proposal was draconian and fascist. Mr Turin-Brakes replied: Nob off, you people say that about everything. All Ive done is flip the coin. Smokers regularly get flak, its time that they were given a break. Everyone knows the money they throw away on fags keeps the economy going. What are you even doing here? Shouldnt you be finding an obscure film or computer game so you can write another Ban This Sick Filth headline?
Anti-smoking group WANH (We Are Never Happy) tried to raise a question, but Mr Turin-Brakes silenced them. I think we know exactly how you lot feel, why dont you try doing something useful for a change, instead of harping on about the same old thing? Its getting very boring, you know.
<*dv_2*> I spoke to Mr Turin-Brakes at his office behind the Basingstoke branch of McDonalds a few days later, and he gave me an exclusive, final comment. To be honest, it would be easier to leave it up to the individual bar owners; freedom of choice and all that. But no one wanted to do that with the smoking ban, so I decided to do this. I was only having a giggle, whod have thought it would create such a stink?
Mr Turin-Brakes then went onto outline some his other proposals, which included putting porn on a lower shelf in the newsagents, renaming Scotch Britch so as not to offend the English, and banning Linda McCartney ready meals from our supermarkets.
<*dv_0*> Submitted by Booger
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