A Lesson Learnt

Hi, Ive just had a test Im afraid you need to go and have one too. Just to be sure, you know.

I put the phone down in a state of shock. Chlamydia. FUCKING chlamydia. How did that happen? OK OK I KNOW how that happened, the clue was in the statement, but NO! NO! I CANT have that! Thats an adult thing, and Im only 34.

So I pick up the phone again, and having flicked through the phone book (out of sight of the neighbours) I call the nearest sexually transmitted disease clinic. Half expecting an ambulance to be dispatched immediately, Im surprised to be booked for an appointment in ten days time.

So, thats ten days reflecting on my past seedy indiscretions and nurturing a growing hatred of my knob.

I now hate my knob.

In the subsequent days I told a hand full of people, out of the need to share my disbelief. I told a Canadian. She was extremely level-headed about it, advising me not to panic, go and take the test, and if it was positive then take the medication, get well again and carry on. I told an American, with pretty much the same reaction. Dont panic, take the test, wait and see. I then told a couple of English friends. After they had stopped screaming I had to explain to them what I MIGHT have contracted, and how its cured. I awoke the following day to find a red cross painted on my door and a police cordon around the house.

So ten days later, with my trouser department now totally annexed from the rest of my body (good riddance to bad rubbish) I arrive at the STD clinic. In there its as though the whole world has been sponsored by Durex. There are posters and adverts for rubber johnnies everywhere. OK OK I GET THE BLOODY PICTURE, IVE LEARNT MY LESSON, LEAVE ME ALONE!! But no, I hadnt learnt my lesson. Not yet.

Nowhere fucking near

Im shown to where the doctor is waiting for me. I sit down. I have to recount my sexual conquests of the last six months to this total stranger. Im blushing and quite rightly so. In the pub, Id have been proud, but here? Here I feel dirty. Seedy. Wretched. Oh and then there was Alison, oh and Susan, and then there was Do I know them? Yes I do. Well, no I dont speak to Karen anymore, but apart from that yes Did I use a condom? THAT question. I tell him the ones that I did use one with, and the ones I didnt, and hey, looks like Ive lost the quiz, as he looks at me with a look of total distaste when I tell him that with Tina no, I didnt use a condom. Or with Susan

Im told to go and wait outside. Which I do.

Well Im here now, Ive signed a form, next step is the test. Having a wee into a bottle, how hard can that be?

Im called back in again. A trolley has appeared, with a collection of cups, needles, kidney bowls, paper towels and a couple of long white things arranged neatly on top. A male nurse appears and tells me were going to take a blood sample. SHIT!! Im having every test in the chuffing book done!! So I have a needle jabbed in my arm, a sample of blood taken. Pretty nasty stuff eh? No, a walk in the park compared to what follows...

Next Im ordered to take down my trousers and underpants. With a gulp and a sweating brow I unbuckle my belt, drop both garments round my ankles, and then hop onto a brown faux-leather-covered couch. The doctor reappears, with rubber gloves on.

Im going to take a swab he informs me. A swab? What happens there THEN!!!!!!!!

HES WANKING ME!! THIS BLOKE IS WANKING ME!!!! And we never even kissed! Apparently you need to have a semi to be able to get a swab done, and this doctor was tugging away at my old lad, trying to bring it to life! I was going to tell him not to go any further with me as I might have chlamydia, but I thought better of it. Anyway he didnt finish me off. Instead he took one of the long white things from the top of the trolley and stuffed it down my japs eye. No warning, in it goes. And then SCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE he drags it back up, giving me the feeling that Im being skinned from the inside. I swear I have NEVER felt pain like it. And after what seems like hours, the scraping is over. Thank Christ.

Hold on, HES WANKING ME AGAIN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (I can at this point clarify that I am definitely not gay, as my penis was actually getting smaller rather than bigger at being wanked by a man) He had to take ANOTHER swab!! Same procedure all over again. Except this time I shouted FUCKING HELL Just sos hed know it was actually quite painful.

NOW have I learnt my lesson?

Youre joking!

Next I have to take a piss, with my knob all sore and smarting from an internal skinning, into two plastic cups, while the doctor puts away the instruments and sends the samples off for testing right behind me. So I shuffle across the room, trousers and pants still round my ankles. What a time to get stage fright. I couldnt piss for toffee. Not that there was any on offer, and I wouldnt accept anything these blokes might have touched, with or without rubber gloves.

So, I learnt my lesson?

Yes. Thankfully the tests were negative, and although the tests were, frankly, like something Joseph Mengele would have dreamt about, it was something important that I had to do. So, Ill be thinking a little more carefully in the future exactly what missions Im sending the little soldier on, and if he is suitably protected.

Piece submitted by Bulletproof Cupid

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