The nation's press has been in spasms over the last two days, all because a British sportsman is doing his job. He's had a major hurdle to jump, but he's done it (and not for the first time). No, my friends, not what you're thinking. Not Senor Beckham wearing yet another white suit and passing yet
another medical. Something far more mundane than that.
I'm talking about Tim Henman getting through to the quarter-finals at Wimbledon. Tim ('Little Timmy' for the duration of this diatribe) overcame a tricky opponent to 'march' through to the last eight. Well hoo-fucking-ray. I'm so happy I might just gag on my strawberries. I've never liked tennis, but I'm starting to really HATE Little Timmy. Know why? 'Cos he always does this! Every year!
Know how many times LT hasn't reached the quarters in his whole Wimbledon career? Twice, and that was only after his stick-up-the-arse father started wearing his 'lucky' tie. I'm not exactly sure, but I reckon he's been playing at Wimbledon since 1994. I may be wrong, but I'm writing this so calm your tongue if I am. So out of nine tournaments, he's reached this stage seven times. Great, brilliant. Really impressive track record. But is it worth every back page in the country? Is it worth eight hours of Sue Mingeface Barker on BBC2 everyday?? I'm poor, I don't have cable. Little Timmy has deprived me of The Simpsons! I hate Little Timmy.
Its not even the fawning adoration of the SW19 crowd, the menopausal old duffers screaming "Go on
<*dv_1*> Timmmaaayyy!" before every point. Its not the headlines screaming 'This could be his year'. Its the way our charisma-stunted hero goes about it. If he completely mullered his opponent, I'd be impressed. If, when he won, he went and bounced his raquet off his opponent's head, I'd love him. But no. Every match just drags on and on. How many match points? Fucking Little Timmy doesn't just want to stop me watching The Simpsons, he wants to ruin the new series of Malcolm in the Middle too! And then Mingeface Barker calls it 'nail-biting'. No, Sue, its just dull. How about the 'clenched fist and snarl' celebration? Wow LT, REALLY inspiring. Whenever he does that, he looks like the div-kid at school trying to save himself from another wedgie.
<*dv_4*> And he's our only hope! 15 Brits entered Wimbledon this year. I think 13 went out the first day. Tourettes-boy Rusedski doesn't count, he's Canadian. So our hopes and glories fall on the dodgy, injured shoulders of Little Timmy, the Snarling Pussy Cat. Actually, forget the 'cat' part.
<*dv_0*> Know how many times LT has got PAST the quarters at Wimbledon? Twice. Both times he lost in the semis. So forget all that 'this year its his' bollocks. I'd love to see him do it. March to the final, stomp all over Andy Roddick, stuff the Yank's raquet up his bum and scream loudly "Look, tennis player candyfloss! Who want's a bite?" That would be so cool! And then at least we'd have won Wimbledon (our own tournament for Christ's sake!) for the first time since 1843 or whenever. But it won't happen. You know it, I know it, and those sun-drunk muppets at Centre Court know it. He's going out next week, following 352 match point rallies, four thousand cries of 'deuce' and a billion "Go on TIMMMAAAYYY"s.
Pass the Pimms would you?
<*dv_2*> Submitted by Booger
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