Aside from the dirty streets, grumpy wankers and over-priced housing, Ive recently identified something else that makes me hate London. I was on the train the other day when someones mobile phone went off with the standard Nokia ring tone. This is usually annoying enough in itself, but it wasnt the ring tone that got under my skin this time. What really pissed me off was the other guy in the carriage who shouted HELLO like Dom Joly does in Trigger Happy TV when it went off. Despite the fact that this joke has already been done in every episode of Trigger Happy TV, not to mention every train, office and pub, this guy still thinks hes funny. Its not his joke and he doesnt even have a big comedy phone. He is, in fact, a tosser.
Lets get one thing straight first. I dont have a problem with people who make the occasional quote or reference to a TV comedy in normal conversation where appropriate. This isnt any different from quoting books, songs and films to make a point, or to see if someone shares the same sense of humour as you. The point where someone becomes a tosser is when they start reciting catchphrases just for the sake of it, overwhelmed by the belief that theyre as funny as the TV program theyre quoting.
But theres another problem here, which is that they often are just as funny as the original program. Its not like it would take much. Lets take the worst offender here, which is undoubtedly The Fast Show. For several years The Fast Show got away with hundreds of sketches that had nothing funny about them they were over so quickly no one noticed they were actually shit, but they did remember whatever it was the main character was repeatedly saying. All they had to do was introduce a catchphrase, however stupid it was, and tossers all over the UK would repeat it in the belief that they were funny.
Of course, doing this actually just makes you a tosser, but its not just The Fast Show thats at fault. If you want further examples, Ive compiled a list of the most annoying things that seem to make tossers think theyre going to be the next big thing in comedy:
<*dv_1*> Loudly shouting HELLO when you hear a Nokia ring tone
I was very, very drunk
Today I will be mostly wearing This one has been overused to the point that its somehow got into the English language I even found myself using it the other day. How did this happen?
Girls who pick up an acoustic guitar at parties and start singing Smelly Cat - The most annoying thing about this is that they usually admit afterwards that Smelly Cat is, in fact, the only thing they can play on the guitar. Yes, theyve gone to the trouble of learning the basics of guitar technique just to repeat this lame gag thats already been done to death in Friends.
We are the knights who say ni Not so common over here, but American geeks think that repeating this over and over again is hilarious. It isnt.
Only me Harry Enfield is actually just as guilty as the Fast Show for creating annoying and unfunny catchphrases. There are countless other examples.
Feck, arse, drink, girls Father Ted was a very funny show. People who continually repeat this, or have it at the end of all their emails arent. In fact, there should be a worldwide cull of people with catchphrases at the end of their emails while were at it.
Anything from Ali G The main problem with Ali G is that the sort of gimps who repeat his catchphrases - Mi Julie, Aye or is it cos I is black? actually aspire to be some kind of real-life Ali G. Even more annoying is the fact that Sacha Baron Cohen seems to be doing exactly the same.
Hello Dave, youre my wife now Dont get me wrong, Papa Lazarou is a very funny character, which is more than you can say for the annoying twats whove hijacked this catchphrase.
<*dv_0*> Thats you that is This has thankfully gone away now, but Newman and Baddiel had a lot to answer for ten years ago.
Actually, just about anything from the Fast Show. This includes Scorchio, Does my bum look big in this? and every other pointless catchphrase that came out of that pointless show.
But this is just the tip of the iceberg; I havent even started on yesterdays catchphrase-driven crap comedy like Dads Army and Allo Allo. Speaking of which, I actually work on the same floor as Richard Gibson who played Herr Flick in Allo Allo, which is pretty cool, but also a challenge. Its very tempting, for example, to greet him with something like good moaning if I see him in the kitchen, or maybe ask him the whereabouts of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies. But I havent. Firstly, because this would only make me as funny as Allo Allo which, lets face it, isnt particularly funny. And secondly, because doing this would, of course, make me a tosser.
This all came to a bit of a climax at work recently, where my colleague Dans phone went off with the Nokia ring tone and Josh admitted that he found it very difficult not to shout HELLO whenever he heard it. So I launched into my usual tirade of abuse, when he pointed out that I quite often pick on Tim at work by calling him Timmeh!
He had a point. Im obviously just as big a tosser as everyone else and, more to the point, I even sometimes repeat a gag from a TV comedy and try to pass it off as my own. Surely this makes me an even bigger tosser? At the end of this Ive had to conclude that Im a tosser, theyre tossers were all tossers.
So today I will be mostly being a tosser. Feck, arse, drink, girls.
Submitted by Ben Hardwidge
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