First off let me just say I like the Japanese, theres probably a few bad apples, but hey on balance theyre okay. Really.
But remember when they were a source of fun for our media?
Remember when TV clip shows lampooned their game shows and our music magazines laughed at their groups?
Not so long ago Japan was a nation of laughs. We always presumed they were light years behind the more sophisticated West in terms of popular culture. Now it turns out they were leading the way. Let me explain
Remember Endurance that tubby Clive James would chortle at? The contestants were denied food, fed to snakes and had their nipples set alight. Now we have our own version on some obscure satellite channel. Remember the pre-pubescent bands loved by sweaty old businessmen? S Club Eight anyone?
<*dv_0*> Remember how, before our music business consisted of acts other than Simon Cowell spawn, we laughed at how the worst of our pop wares were Big in Japan? Shampoo couldnt get arrested in Blighty but singles were snapped up by the rack full over there. The Cheeky Girls make Shampoo look like The Beatles (except obviously there was only two of them and they were female andwell you see what I mean).
<*dv_4*> Then, back in more innocent times, we laughed at their hostess bars and the sad groups of salary men who packed them out. Of course that was before pole dancing took off in the UK. How long is it before soiled panty vending machines appear in our high streets?
Whats more, its still happening. Watching the Japanese in the World Cup their array of hair cuts raised a few chortles. Each carefully coiffured barnet was, to a man, dyed a fetching chestnut and was carefully mulletted and artfully messy. Well, have you seen The Salon?. Noerrme neither, a mate told me about it. Really.
I almost missed out Nissan. Remember seeing documentaries about diligent workers turning up with broken bones just to be part of the team? Oh how the unionised UK laughed. Then Nissan opened in Sunderland. The result: our Mackems become their most efficient European team. Suddenly go-slows and strikes were out and strange new progressive practices came in. Bosses even swapped their Saville Row outfits for boiler suits and started sitting next to the plebs in the canteens.
<*dv_1*> So whats next? Will we be seeing those dormitory hotels that everyone from Alan Whicker to on-location Blue Peter have highlighted? Will British piss heads be queuing up to retire to their 5 a night caskets to finish their kebabs and sleep off the beer?
<*dv_5*> Is it possible that British people may start paying exorbitant prices to eat food that has poisonous body parts which are liable to kill you? And Im not just talking British beef or Foot and Mouth off-cuts. Lets face it, weve already fallen hook line and sinker for the whole raw fish deal so the rest of the Japanese eating experience can only be a short step away.
<*dv_2*> Maybe, in this time of conspiracy theories, its all a Japanese ploy. Maybe one too many ill-advised comments from Prince Philip has sent the country into a Kung Fu-style vengeance mode. Then again as the Karate Kids Mr Miyagi said: If you go in search of revenge first you must dig two graves.
So how do we repel this? How do we stop this right now? How do we rise up as a nation and say: No, we do NOT want soiled panty vending machines in our high streets.
Well attack being the best form of defence lets start exporting our worst cultural achievements back to them. Lets see how they like it. Has Jane McDonald ever toured Japan? Maybe someone should suggest it. Could Russ Abbot be lured out of retirement (he is retired isnt he please let him be retired) and be sent over for a summer season.
Perhaps we could send over E4s Head of Programming. Take that Japan we see your Endurance and raise you 24 hours a day reality TV. I turned on my TV yesterday and saw that E4 were plugging its latest show See Who Can Stay Awake the Longest. How in the world is that possibly going to be interesting? Have the harsh lessons of Touch the Truck not been learnt?
<*dv_3*> Anyway, Ill save my E4 wrath for another time and another article and get back to getting our own back on Japan.
Weve exported football to them. Perhaps David Baddiel could be sent out to host a footy-related show. Perhaps he could even be persuaded to write another sit com following his rip-roaring Sky effort. Even better, could we just send them Sky. We could send the SAS round and, under cover of darkness, swivel their satellite dishes a degree or two.
A few months of UK Gold and classic Eastenders should bring them to their senses. While they may enjoy meeting in Red Cafs to cheer on Man U but they wont be so happy having Everton, Spurs or Andy Gray shoved down their throats.
Perhaps we could even send Everton and Spurs over there. All we need is a ludicrously rich multi-national to sponsor some meaningless daft tournament.
In the meantime we need start a new cultural year zero. Out goes pop idols, pre pubescent bands, daft hair, pole dancing, and dodgy game shows. Just to show we are not unreasonable well keep the raw fish for now.
But, from here on in we need to be a lot more vigilant.
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