HELP WANTED:
Intelligent, Flatulent Stooge required for quiz show swindle

I have designed an elaborate farting system to use on "who wants to be a millionaire?".

Having studied the Major Charles In-Bred system of coughing - including the infamous - and ever-so-slightly-obvious "Ahem-Gnerk-Bleuegh-NO-" cough used on the 125,000 question, I think I have devised a foolproof system that will help me win the big money and get away scot-free. By using carefully controlled guffs, released to coincide with the answers, I believe my system will be undetectable, if slightly nauseating.

It's simple really. All I need is someone in the audience, preferably sitting close by, who can 'assist' me to get the correct answers, by bottom burping at the correct moment. Obviously I'll need to differentiate between the trumps, and I have heard that Chris Tarrant is a bit of a 'silent assassin' as well, so to avoid mix-ups I would expect the correct applicant to provide the following infrequently excreted odour samples...

When I call out the answers, I need to get a whiff off the following

      a) Chambourcy Hippopotamousse (strawberry flavour)
<*dv_0*>       b) Volvo 440 brake fluid
      c) Cheese Strings
      d) Mr Muscle Oven Cleaner

We'll also need a 'failsafe' fart to stop me from saying the wrong answer. This would need to be distinguishable from the other four, so I suggest some sort of follow-through on the delivery. A 'wet-one' would be highly audible and should also be enough of a deterrent to anyone who wants to body-search you after the show as well. Although I recommend you bring your own baby wipes and spare trousers to the studio.

Unlike the Major, I do have in my favour the fact that I'm not a cretin who looks like he should never be on a quiz show in the first place. I know all the characters of Coronation St and Eastenders, and I know enough about Craig David not to buy and of his shite mid-transatlantic  R&B 'willy-wonka vibe' records. However, I am working class, and have never served in the Army OR buggered anyone at private school, so there is a good chance that - if we get caught and it ever comes to trial - we will be beheaded for attempting to defraud people richer and better-brought up than what we are.

Applications to Kev

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