Two news stories in the last few months, the trial of Graham Coutts for the murder of Jane Longhurst and the arrests of several suspected terrorists in and around London, have opened my eyes to something that is at first harmless and later becomes a little scary. The more I think about it, the more these supposedly harmless places take up residence in my mind. Its an itch that needs scratching. But I like these itches, if it wasnt for them Id contribute a lot less to these pages.
Storage depots.
What a marvellous idea. You roll up, pay your money, and keep whatever it is you want nice and safe. Maybe youre moving and you want to keep your furniture safe? Cool, throw it in there. Antique furniture thats been in your family for years needs looking after? Bring it along. Maybe youre a religious fundamentalist looking to store half a ton of explosive fertilizer? No worries, sir, just sign here.
WHAT?!
Im pretty naive about certain things, and big nameless storage places just happen to be one such thing. But I say my local storage warehouse the other day and it says in big bright letters: "Store whatever you like!" and "Come and go as and when you please!". Also, everyone Ive spoken to about these places (people wiser than me, obviously), you can just rent the space and store whatever you like in there. No questions asked. No one stops you to ask what you want to keep in their posh shed, and you dont have to inventory it for anyone to check either. What kind of shit is being kept in storage around the country?
I know that most of it, maybe as much as 99%, is totally harmless. Probably furniture, tools, old carpet and pornography. To that end, these places are great. Christ alive, I know Ill need somewhere to keep all my porn safe in later years.* (At this rate, if Jenna Jameson keeps pumping out films and I keep buying them, Ill need two DVD players just to keep up with WATCHING them). Imagine a whole shed full of your own porn, thatd be wicked. You could bury yourself in grot. But thats not the point of this article. The point is that I got pretty scared when I read that some shady geezer was allowed to store half a ton of very nasty explosive shit AND NO ONE ASKED A SINGLE QUESTION. Its not too hard to do is it?
Thank you for renting one of our Red Storage Sheds, sir? For security purposes, may I ask what you intend to put in it?
Ammonium nitrate.
Err, oookay. And whats that for?
<*dv_1*> Its explosive. Im gonna blow something up.
One second please, sir.
(Dials 999 in 0.999 seconds and screams down the phone.)
Bit of an extreme example, granted, but the fact remains that police found enough explosives to turn Bluewater or Lakeside (or the Trafford Centre, for those of you north of Watford who want a comparison) into large smoking holes in the ground. And they found this shit lying around in a garage someone had rented and signed for.
How about the other example. Hear the one about the necrophiliac who kept a corpse in a storage shed for THREE WEEKS? Graham Coutts went back again and again to his designated plot of space, but he dropped something off once and moved something out once. That something was a body for Gods sake! He only moved her out of there when the smell got too bad. No one said a thing to him, not once on all those solitary, empty-handed trips. Did no one think to ask this sick fucker why he wasnt moving anything in or out? Surely a random spot check wouldve rumbled him.
Can I ask what you store in your plot sir?
<*dv_0*> Nothing. I just like to sit in a big empty room.
Right, lemme see in there.
(Pause.)
You sick motherfucker. (Storage dude then beats the deviant into a pulp.)
I know Im over-simplifying things here, and Im not for one moment mocking Coutts victim or any of the potential victims of a terrorist attack that, thankfully, was averted; Im just stunned that when you store stuff in Big Yellow Storage (or whatever theyre called) no one checks you out a little. A quick background check maybe, just the same as you get if youre pulled over. How about actually checking out what you intend to lock up where no one can see it. Im not talking about keeping an inventory, either. That way any old scumbag could see what you had and rob the lot. All it takes is a quick peek in the box, just one second, to differentiate between something nice and something nasty. I'd gladly show a jobsworth eight years worth of filthy mags* if it meant the world was a slightly safer place, and I'm pretty sure most people would agree with me on that.
Now excuse me, Ive got to go and shift every single copy of Razzle since 1996 into their new home.
* Honest to God, I swear I don't own that much porn. Although if Ms Jenna Jameson is reading, free DVDs would be great. How about becoming my sponsor?
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