<*dv_0*>I've already had a holiday this year. I went to Mexico with two friends. We spent our time there educating American college kids in the fine arts of getting completely smashed and swearing properly. One of the funniest things you will ever see is a beautiful, blonde, all-American girl - most likely a cheerleader - saying the word bollocks. "Bawl-acks. What's that?" You should've seen her face when I showed her But I digress. As I was saying, I've had my holiday this year, so I'm safe. But if you're planning on catching some summer sun there's a very good chance that you will be subjected to a terrifying experience: The Cheeky Girls Airport Tour.
I'm not going to go off on one about how we ended up with The Cheeky Girls. We all know that Pop Idol is pants, and we all know that some coke-addled record label exec saw his chance to make some cash off the Transylvanian tykes who gave Pete Waterman a lazy lob-on. We all know that they are utter shite and no more talented than any other karaoke kid that is forced down our throats every day. But whoever thought up this airport tour idea really needs to be hunted down and set on fire.
The single that is being promoted is a cover of Boney-M's "Hooray Hooray (Its Your Holi-Holiday)". Now, I don't know about you, but I reckon that the original was musical herpes anyway. But when you change it to "Hooray Hooray (It's a Cheeky Holiday), then you've created a monster. Picture the Monday meeting at PopWank or whatever label they're on. "How are we gonna promote this one then gang?" asks the Chief Knobhead. His assembled idiots ponder the question. One bright spark - who probably only got the job 'cos of who her dad is or who she was shagging - pipes up. "Well, it's like, a holiday song yeah? So why don't we er, play it to people who are going on holiday?" She's so stupid; everything this girl says is a question. The shower of arseholes sharing her oxygen absolutely love it. That night, Chief Knobhead probably feeds her coke and fucks her brains out.
This idea is just so bad. Airports are horrible places at the best of times. Screaming babies and terminally slow queues are everywhere. Even though it's 6am, fat old met still wander around in yellow vests while their wives wear those awful pastel sun visors. The check-in staff are either insanely friendly or so rude they could curdle milk. Either way, they are fake-tan orange. Duty-free is mobbed with women dousing themselves in sample perfume and obnoxious kids asking their parents for Toblerone. Since 9/11 you're also treated like a potential terrorist. I once had my trainers scanned as they were 'chunky'. "You might have explosives in there mate," the security bloke told me. Excuse me? I'm pasty-white and wearing a Brentford football shirt for Christ's sake. Do I look like an extremist? I hate airports. They just puree up a whole mess of humanity and leave it there to fester. And into this frightful mix someone wants to add two skeletal skanks sporting silver hot-pants and buck teeth. NO! They've gone too far this time. They must be stopped. Seriously, those two slappers could tip the equilibrium. Most people barely keep their anger in check when they hear that their flight is delayed 27 hours. But imagine hearing that news while the Toxic Twins are screeching away behind you. You'd go and find a gun wouldn't you?
<*dv_1*> But how do we stop it? I'll tell you. Find out where they are going to start this moronic freakshow. Let me know via this website. I will personally go to that airport and run over the talentless twosome in one of those little baggage carts. I'll reverse and do it again. I'll keep doing it until the old bill wrestles me to the ground. All the time the yellow light will be flashing and the baggage cart beep-beeping. You, the people of Britain will be spared this horror, record labels will realize that maybe they've gone too far with the whole reality TV/novelty act idea, and I'll be the first murderer to receive a knighthood AND the Nobel Prize for services to humanity. Everyone's a winner.
Submitted by Booger
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