"Diamond geezer", "Fucking star", "You really are brilliant.", "Dude, you're really cool."
I've had these phrases aimed at my person at more than one occasion. You probably have had too. And in receipt of them you might have smiled weakly and gone "Nah, don't be daft!" Or felt embarrassed, even chuffed, at these compliments. These validations clearly define that at that very moment in time, you have made a difference to somebody. You have saved the day. Lifted the depression. Been the hero.
Heartwarming stuff really. We all like it. Who doesn't?
Now here's the curveball kiddies. What if you found your socially acceptable behaviour and attitude, your 'milk of human kindness', your very spiritually aware 'love & respect everybody' persona actually caused more harm that you thought. What if your wise advice and sagely knowledge was in actual fact self fulfilling and not really about those you were helping?
<*dv_3*> "WHAT?!?!" You'd be fucking appalled. How dare anybody suggest that your motives were not selfless. How could anybody think that of you! You're a diamond! You're a star! You're deluded!..
<*dv_4*> Now, I became very self aware about 4 years ago. Not in a T-100 Cyberdine systems way but I certainly knew a lot of my 'memory' was damaged. I looked deep and hard at myself. I questioned why I was the way I was. I shall spare you the grim childhood but suffice to say every page of my 'Barefoot Doctor's handbook for the urban warrior' and 'They fuck you up - families and how to survive them' was read intently and absorbed. So, I was now imbued with the power of my own Tao (Pronounced 'dow'. Really annoys me when people say 'Ta-owwww' like they've just stubbed their toe.) I understood, or so I thought, why people were the way they were and I made it my mission to 'fix' 'em all! With the enlightenment I received Valentines weekend, I now realise what an arrogant bag of toss I have been.
My friend Lynn is a counsellor. And with all counsellors she has had her own demons to battle and therefore can spot intonations, inflections, gestures and phrases that you may think are just things you do intrinsically but in actual fact reveal far more about you than you realise. The conversation topic went on to relationships as most chats do. To cut a long story short, I let slip that I thought the reason all my relationships fail is because of what I call the 'Pedestal effect'. See the opening words for a clue. She was on this straight away and summised me quite accurately on three things:-
1) At the initial meeting of any potential girlfriend, I have already zoomed mentally to the prospect that she may want us to live together but I know I can't do this because of a family 'rod' I have made for my own back.
<*dv_0*> 2) I am actually emotionally devoid because my upbringing has made me completely numb to both love and negativity to the point where I do not even store it up, I just deflect it therefore I am unable to understand people that have hit rock bottom because I point blank refuse to go there. I am intelligently emphatic but not emotionally. Pragmatism does not comfort anyone. I can hug you, kiss you, make love with you but I might as well be watching somebody else because I detach myself totally. Not too dissimilar to a rape victim I guess. I tend to view and believe its not happening to me.
3) People see the long haired, respectful, tantric, sensitive, creative, straight-edge, yoga obsessed, guitar playing hippy throwback and I fulfill their 'ideal'. Especially when they have had multiple losers on their arms. You know the sort. The shits you see beating their girlfriends, calling them demoralising names etc. Compared to that I must appear like a Mills & Boon chisel jawed hero called 'Bo'.
Then her touche. "Oh, and you know sometimes I think you are the most arrogant, condescending wanker walking. I have to take the phone away from my ear on occasions because your words of advice have no emotion behind them. They are meant with the best intention but they are bereft of any sensitivity. You secretly just crave the dependence and undivided attention. Bet no-ones ever said that to you before, eh?"
No-one had ever spoken to me like that. No-one. But you know what? She was totally right. My whole righteous code of ethics and morals had just been exposed as a self fulfilling empty dream that has stemmed from my dysfunctional upbringing. Woah! That's some heavy shit hombres! My beliefs were now officially as reliable as Soviet glass roofs.
The whole flight back from Glasgow I thought deeply about the harsh truth I had learned about myself. Even walked the six miles home from the Airport and thought some more (Because I missed the bus not because of some David Carradine 'Kung-fu' contemplating shennanigans)
I actually realised that I am a high functioning fuck up! I focus on others to detract my attention from me and therefore I am fulfilled by their joy once they combat their problem in the manner I have had 'advised'. Freud would have suggested that the true issue was that I probably wanted to nail my Mom but I like my hypothesis better!
So what's the moral of this little tale? Simple. Question and dissect the reasoning behind your own beliefs and wisdom before you are so bold to impart them onto others. You may just find that they are not the ones with the problem in the end.
Submitted by Clyde Martin-Leon
|
