<*dv_2*>Toiletries. Yes, a much neglected but vitally important part of the daily routines we call our 'lives'.
OR ARE THEY?
I put it to you, yes, YOU, do you own an 'anti-perspirant deodorant'? Well I do. As a matter of fact, only yesterday, I waltzed into my local chemists (not unlike a pansy) and bought some 'Mitchum' roll-on deodorant. I got the 'Sport' version! I LOVE that shit, don't you? -
'SPORT'
what a fuckin' awesome name for male grooming products. They ALWAYS call them 'SPORT', as if this single ubiquitous word has some huge, broad catch-all meaning. As if it is virtually dripping with connotations and shadowy rumours relating to manliness, freshness, VIRILITY! But what the shagging dogs bollocks does SPORT really mean in this context? IF ANYTHING??. Is it a smell? The other one I saw in the range was called 'MOUNTAIN AIR' (or some such crap) OK, fair enough, I can picture what 'MOUNTAIN AIR' might smell like. (presumably not sheep shit and the aroma of nearby forest fires) But 'SPORT'?? Whats that smell of then? Soiled knickers?, sweaty sports bras? MONKEY SPUNK???? Fuck knows, I don't think I ever will. I happen to also use a conditioning tea-tree hairwash gel/conditioner combination which is also called, simply, 'SPORT', followed by the words 'for men' (as with the deodorant stick) Good to see that women are excluded from sports then. I always said they were shit anyway. Also, consider the fact that, in some quarters, standing on your head in a swimming pool at exactly the same time as 10 other people, then spinning around (in time to music), is also called 'SPORT'. An Olympic one in fact. As is sweeping invisible dirt off an ice-rink, whilst following a misshapen hockey puck in a straight line in the deluded belief that you are actually causing it to subtly shift in different directions (They called that work of genius 'curling')
So, what are we left with my friend? I'll tell you. We are left:
1 - NONE the wiser as to what in the name of God, the word 'SPORT' actually means
<*dv_0*> 2 - With a lot LESS MONEY in our pockets
3 - Possibly SMELLING OF SWEATING GENITALS
Are we simply mere consumers, condemned to spend, spend, spend on an ever more dizzying range of disposable, replenishable products? CONSIDER razor blades. First there were Gillete MACH 3's. Then came Gillette MACH 3 TURBO's! Supposedly with a more lubricating lubrication strip and wider blades (Whereas in reality, the only difference seems to be that the strip is now GREEN as opposed to BLUE - ooohhh....aaahh..) they retail concurrently with the old MACH 3's, but for about 35% more cost. What do I do? I switch to the new TURBO'S, thats what. Perhaps clinging to the belief that they actually do make a worthwhile difference. Seemingly more and more desperate in my attempts to grab even the slightest edge in the grooming war against beard-itis (for, as we all know, people with beards invariably tend to be rapists, paedophiles and/or sheep molesters). BUT would it serve me just as well to buy a razor blade and affix it to the end of a toothbrush with sticky tape and shave with soap and water?
The PRO's:
<*dv_4*> 1 - It would SAVE me money
2 - I could be SMUG in the knowledge that I'm not bowing to the Stalinist demands of the money hungry mega-corporations, and would be able to bore the testicles off all my mates down the pub with this INDISPUTABLE fact
The CON's:
<*dv_3*> 1 - The blade/toothbrush idea wouldn't work as it is a load of complete ARSE that I dreamed up on the spur of the moment, just now.
2 - Even if it did work, I'd just be paying those FASCISTS Wilkinson Sword for their blades instead, rather than Gillette.
<*dv_1*> 3 - My girlfriend would think I was a TWAT if she caught me shaving with a toothbrush and would dump me, thus condemning me to a lonely life of solitary wanking and therefore the inevitable 'WANKER'S DOOM'.
So, alas, my dear friends, the clear conclusion from this scientific debacle is that we're FUCKED and there's no way out. So, my advice is to continue playing the consumer, at least for now, your guilt alleviated, if not dulled completely, by the fact that you recognise the cynicism inherent in this whole sad, contrived scheme and mentioning this to the cashier/your girlfriend/boyfriend/mates/pet labrador every time you go into Boots to waste vast wads of cash on products to fill up your bathroom cabinet. Which you bought from IKEA.
<*dv_5*> Submitted by Colly
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