Dont ask me why I spent Valentines Day watching this 1980 Chuck Norris actioner. Suffice to say I am still asking myself the same question.
Anyway, the plot. Ah, the plot. Having watched the film youd think I would have some understanding as to what it was. Unfortunately I dont, but let me endeavour to share what few facts and deductions I was able to make with you.
There is a terrorist organisation called Octagon who train Ninjas. The agenda of the terrorist group or quite why Ninjas make good terrorists is never explained. A woman Chuck pulls at a party is murdered by these Ninjas. Another woman who this time pulls Chuck tries to get him involved in protecting her from this terrorist organisation. Chuck is some kind of retired counter terrorist expert. A journalist friend is investigating Octagon and wants to use Chucks expertise to help him. Chucks old boss (Lee Van Cleef in a gruesome check jacket) keeps turning up encouraging Chuck to help stop this group.
Now that may seem fairly comprehensible. Trust me, that is down to my skill as a writer. When this porridge coagulates on the screen in front of you it becomes an indigestible mess. I havent mentioned the fact that the head of the terrorist training camp is none other than Chucks brother. Only it cant really be his brother because the man is obviously Oriental. We get flashbacks to their childhood training as Ninjas together. Why was Chuck training to become a Ninja? Why are they brothers? Why is he now training ninja terrorists? NONE OF IT MAKES ANY SENSE!!!!!!!!
In an effort to perhaps explain what the hell is going on, or to add a little oriental mystery, there is an echoing, whispery voice over of Chucks inner thoughts. However its so echoing and whispering that YOU CANT MAKE OUT A SINGLE BLOODY WORD!!!!! This could be down to the dire sound quality of the film which is so bad that at one point Chuck, whose character is called Scott James, appears to introduce himself as Scotch Eggs. I would love to say that this one moment redeems the film. It doesnt.
OK, what kung-fu flick doesnt have an incomprehensible plot? A lot of kick arse karate action can forgive the most ludicrous of story lines. However what little action is on offer is lame and uninspired. Ive seen more exciting fights in Eastenders.
That is not the only problem. Chuck turns in a brain curdlingly bad performance. Whether hes escaping near death or chatting up a lady his demeanor never changes. Im something of a Norris fan. I know he is a limited actor but fucking hell!!! I have never seen him this bad before. The general rule with Chuck Norris films is to stick to ones where he sports a beard. Unfortunately, in this film he is clean shaven. Despite his lack of facial hair, Chuck bares one of the hairiest chests I have ever seen. In fact it is not just his chest, it is the entire front of his body. From the tops of his shoulders to his waist line he is covered in the stuff. Anyone who saw a bald Norris fight Bruce Lee in Way of the Dragon will be, like me, wondering where the hell it all came from.
Anyway, the film progresses with disappointingly sporadic action towards the big finale where Chuck busts up the Ninja training camp. The film ends with Chuck standing in front of a blood red sunset. It is an apt metaphor for his career. In a few years Van Damme and Seagal would eclipse Norris in the martial arts movie stakes condemning the great man to ekeing out an existence in made for cable movies.
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